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what to do
I am very anxious right now. I have to do something. I wish that I didn’t have to do it but I have to do it. I know that and I also know I will be able to do it. It’s just that for me to having to go through it, is making me miserable.
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Hiding
So before we get into this I would like to say that I absolutely hate it when things get updated. why ? Why would you do that it’s working just fine, I just learned it, why would you update it again. no I don’t want a new feature, I am happy with what I got and that’s because I can operate it. I wish I could yell this to the updating team everywhere, I mean I just spent five minutes trying to get to my this site. I have two, the first one is not launched and I made that one when I first thought of writing back in 2019, I guess I must have done something cause when I signed up again with WordPress it remembered me and now I have two of the blog and somehow how that one is my primary site well not somehow I did made that one first so yeah and I have no idea what to do with the other one I mean I am barely keeping up with this one. But man I hate it when any of the softwares get updated. I still have a lot of new things to learn from this one.
Aaaaahhhhhh but enough with my rant and the following I wrote on when I was still in between my mental break down. I have had it in the drafts since early August of 2023 but here it goes…..
I hid myself for 20years From myself from my family from the person I love the most which is my sister and I didn’t show them the real me because I wanted to focus on them and not myself. I pushed my emotions away always and that drove me to a point where I have to go to therapy now and I have depression, anxiety. I’m getting the medicine for bipolar so yeah that’s there and then I can’t believe that it took me 20 years to realize that I am not actually being myself so now I have decided to do things, say things the way I want to, the way I like them. I won’t think about anybody else but myself. I think I’m going to be selfish now because it’s been a while and I think it’s right time because otherwise the option that I have left is not good for me because if I compromise some more or if I do the adjustments one more time or if I do Anything like that then I think my mental health will definitely be unstable for longer than it actually has to be so Now I just am going to do say, think, speak, eat whatever I want and I’m going to be me it doesn’t matter how stupid, irritating, annoying, bold, weird, outgoing or introverted or smart, childish I will be. I am going to be myself and and I’m not going to hide myself anymore. Yes I am selfish, ruthless arrogant. I have ego and I am not a nice person. I will not talk to you nicely if you’re not talking nice to me. I will be a bitch. I will be all whatever I need to be to survive, to not just survive but live I have been surviving until now but now I want to live and in order to do that I need to do things the way I actually want, I want to say things as they are and not be afraid of myself anymore.
I have a dark side which is shattered and twisted but it’s time for me to accept that. I am broken. I have been for a long time and I’m probably going to be like that for the rest of my life and I have made my peace with that. I just want to live even if I’m broken, even then I want to live because the energy it takes to make myself up again and then to hold myself together and then face situations or just my own mind is just too much. I’d rather use that energy to do something good, to do something useful rather than wasting it on myself because every time something happens I get shattered into billion trillion pieces then why the h*** should I keep building myself again if I’m just going to be fallen again so it’s better to stay broken and to do something better with than to just waste my energy. I mean you would think that I would get used to being hurt and broken but nope, doesn’t work that way at least not with me. I mean it’s not that I am not strong or anything like that it’s just I get hurt easily. I never realized how sensitive I am until now when I have completely fallen apart and I have nothing left even the little things bother me , I mean I don’t have any patience left. I just wanna kill the person who is talking or kill myself. Nothing in between. So instead of putting back myself I will use that energy to make myself happy. Even if I am broke that doesn’t mean that I can’t be happy, I can’t have peace in my life. It’s in my life so yeah I’m not going to hide and I would suggest anybody who is feeling the same way, feeling that they are in a shell that they need to come out it’s not easy ,it’s never easy. These things when we see them in movies or in dramas they are totally different from what life actually is, what hiding your side can actually do to you, how it is self harming. Just don’t beat yourself and treat yourself. The most important thing you can do for yourself is to be kind to yourself. This is the most important thing, you need to be kind to yourself, give yourself time and just realize that that the persona you have created is not real but the person inside that persona is real so even if it takes time, even if it hurts just take it slow but come out of that shell and start living.
Life will still suck, there will be problems and all that but you will be stronger somehow. You will have peace even among all the s*** all the h*** that you will be going through you will be better. You will have a strength which will come from I don’t know where because it came to me so it will come to you from that place I guess but just try to be who you are even if people say you are selfish, arrogant or f******* too nice, too good. It doesn’t matter, whatever just be who you are because if you are not proud to be who you are then how can you expect someone else to be proud of you or like you the way you are. I’m not going to say just stop hiding no it’s not that easy and it will not happen in an instant. It will take time and courage and strength and every piece of energy that you have and it’s OK take your time, dig deeper and see who you are and then make peace with it and then just be happy. It’s a very simple process when we think about it but hard to get it done but it’s worth it. I have no expectations from life. I don’t think it will never not suck. I expect it but then you get stronger and you’re happy and you’re able to do things ,you are able to see things in a different perspective which is very important so don’t hide and come to a resolve with yourself first and then see how your behaviour needs to be edited or filtered according to the society because we do live in a society and we need to live by live by certain set of morals and sometimes you’re not actually the person who wants to live by those morals so that’s why you need to filter that part of yourself but first you need to know who you are as a person, come to an understanding with it.
I guess what I am trying to say is that tame your beast, but I don’t believe it because you can never tame a beast. You will always lock it up in a cage and you will never open that cage which is not helpful to you or the beast. It’s going to be there making its presence known so don’t put your beast in a cage instead come to an understanding with your beast. I’m not saying go to the devil and all that I don’t believe in that thing what I want to say is that whatever evil you have inside you, whatever darkness you feel there is or whatever bad things you think you can do, come to an agreement with it, acknowledge that I am capable of doing things but just because I can, doesn’t mean I should. That’s how you can come to an agreement with your beast because if you put something in a cage that’s not taming, its just suppressing a part of yourself. Now lions are always in the cage right and even if they have been caged forever we don’t keep them outside the lock because we know it can go wild anytime so the same thing is with our beast that we can only cage it and be afraid of it but if we set that beast free and make an agreement , comes to terms with it then we can cohabitate. Cohabitation is really something that something that we should be able to do and it will help you to grow more, to learn more, to gain a whole new perspective in your life so you don’t need to hide yourself even if you have a dark side or a soft side or whatever side it is just come to terms with it yourself, you have to do-it-yourself and then people will follow.
As I am proof reading this, I am kinda getting a little bit embarrassed. I have no idea what I was feeling then. It is a blank memory for me but I guess those were the feelings. Some of it still is true as I still am looking after myself first then catering to other’s needs. Not gonna lie it was weird and liberating at the same time. It was a good change, a much needed change. I still think I can be a little bit more bold as I am not confronting some of the issues still but in time I will get there. I am just happy with the progress I have. While re reading this, I got upset. I still am upset but I am watching JJK on my other tab, its been helpful but Toji just killed Gojo and Rika Chan. Now I am thinking that I should watch Horimiya because that one is light and cozy because if you have seen it then you know what’s coming in JJK. But no matter what I am going to complete this today and publish it. When I publish something it makes me feel real good and I feel like I am being productive. I am half way through it so shouldn’t be that bad. I should be able to get it done.
I also wanna mention that there are a lot of line, words are written which don’t make sense now and also some lines are not complete so trying to remember what I meant, what I was trying to say is a hassle and kind of energy draining too and it obviously effects my current mood cause I read this, I have a lot of unexplained feelings and I have no idea how to process them but thats why I am watching anime, it helps. But at the end of the day I still need to remember that healing is neither easy nor fast. It’s one step at a time and a lot of setbacks but as long as I am moving forward it will be fine. All I gotta do is move forward and remember that I didn’t f*** myself up in months so I can’t be better in months. Time and Kindness is needed and I should never forget it. I am not 100% comfortable with posting this cause some of it made me real uncomfortable and I did delete some it but here i am posting it anyway and I am proud of myself for that. yayyyyyy
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See no more
So today is 16th August, around 12 am, for some reason I am not able to sleep. I have no idea why, maybe I overslept the last night. I don’t think it’s true but it works. I was trying to go to sleep and out of nowhere like I have no idea how or why but I just remembered a song. Well not exactly the song as its just video that I remember but its a memory through which I remember the song. There was a time when I was listening to music continuously, it was 24/7 because you know there was a lot happening and music was the only escape that was helping me with everything. It helped me process my emotions and kept them bottled up and I just remembered that Joe Jonas had come up with the song and I couldn’t remember what the song was but all I remember is that it was a good song and just like today I wasn’t able to sleep that night and something had happened. I remember now what it was. I mean I had blocked it out but when I remember the song I remembered why I was up at that time. I don’t know why I’m up today but that night I remember why I was up and God I listened to this song on repeat for the whole night and I’m not even exaggerating. I’m not even kidding, I actually listened to that song on repeat. I remember it was a website because he was coming up with the new album and Jonas brother had broken up at that time and they were doing their solo things and I still don’t remember what the album’s name was and I haven’t looked it up yet but I went to YouTube and I said Joe Jonas songs and then I looked through his songs and then there it was “see no more” and it just made me feel happy and now I’m listening to it and I realize that it has been 10 years since this song has been out and it’s been 10 years of me you know handling s***. I can’t believe that it’s been so long, the time span is just sinking in, I am just realizing that a whole f***ing decde of shitstorms and what not. I’m not handling s*** now like I used to. I’m just breaking up slowly and I can’t do it anymore. I’m all out of energy, out of not even energy I think I’m out of the will, I don’t have the will, I may have energy or maybe I have something that makes me keep going on but I just don’t have the will like I just want everything to stop. How great that would be, nothing to think about, nothing to worry about, everything is just gone.
Yeah so, listening to the song made me so happy. I was so happy because it’s something that I remembered from my life because I don’t remember much as it’s all in bits and pieces and most of the time when I try to track it or when I try to think about it, it’s just blank, nothing pops up, like I can’t find anything and the only thing I have is music. I have so many songs and when I listen to them now a lot of feeling again unexplained feeling take over me. I have listened to so many great songs, many great lyrics which helped me through my pain, my anger, my embarrassment, my helplessness, through my everything. I basically had song for almost every emotion I had. I would listen to it and it would keep me calm. It would keep me centred. It would keep me focused which was very important at that time. Music does not help me the way it used to but I’m just glad that I’m getting back to it. I’m getting back to listening to it because it’s been a while, it’s been actually sometime now that I can’t enjoy music. It’s not that I don’t want to listen to, it just doesn’t sound the same. It doesn’t matter if I am listening to the same old songs or the new ones, it’s not the same. They are just words and tunes which are just noise. Music has become a noise to me. How shameful, how stupid and how sad is that. Music used to feed my soul and now it can’t even reach to my ears. I get annoyed with it, there is no peace, no happiness or calmness in it. Its just noise to me. What a bad fucking realization. How does that even happen. I honestly don’t get it that how the hell did this happened. Man its annoying but true. I don’t have anything right now like I don’t know what happens but it’s like when I broke down, everything within me just left me but remembering this song today made me happy and even though I have a very bad memory attached to it I’m still happy that I remembered something.
Not to make it sound serious it’s not like I don’t remember anything, I have some memories but most of them are lost in a dark sea and and remembering them is like fishing. I may find something, I may not find anything at all. I do have my triggers and music is one of them. A whole lot of songs are associated with my feelings, the good and the bad ones. I mean again we don’t remember everything and in our lives anyway, right and I am old too so I guess it’s okay not to remember everything but you know I just wish that I could remember better. I won’t remember the moments of my happiness because I have had a very tough childhood, a gritty upbringing with some awesome and wholesome moments. I have those good memories, those happy memories so I want to remember those ones more. I want to focus on those but sadly I can’t remember and I can’t even pick my bad ones either as they just come rushing to me. I have nothing but you know what it’s going to get better, it’s going to be okay. I tried to give up my medication I didn’t take any medication for 2 to 3 months, it didn’t work. I was crying all the time. I was everywhere, my mind and soul where scattered. I wasn’t focused, wasn’t centred and I just kept thinking and kept wandering into that Sea Of Darkness that I have.
So, sadly I had to start my medication again. I don’t want to be on medication because well I just don’t want to be the person who relies on a pill to have a good life and also I’m not a medicine person like if I have fever or cold, I’ll just rest and then get back up and I’m like fine. I cannot tell you how many problems like physical ailments that I have just worked through. I have just worked through it and I want to work through this as well but sadly I can’t and I hate, oh I hate it so much but I need the medication and I don’t like saying this but I do so I’m back on my medication and medicine does make you emotionally numb to certain point so I guess that’s what I have now because I don’t have the happiness, I don’t have to sadness, I don’t have anything, I am just numb to everything even the to the beauty of nature, the beauty of music but this moment like right now as I am typing this I’m happy because I remembered this song. I remembered the feelings, I remembered being up and I remember that night, yeah that was quite a night to say the least and ironically enough the lyrics not all of them but some were on point and at that time I was too upset to notice then but today I remember that how much it fits with that scenario. As of this moment I don’t want to live but I don’t want to kill myself either so you know all in all that’s good. It’s going good and if you haven’t heard this song See No More by Joe Jonas listen to it, it’s a good song, video, lyrics and you can see here Joe being an artist, a musician so yep that’s that.
As I am proof reading this one, I realized I have so many broken and uncompleted lines. Its a headache to understand what I was trying to express. I guess I still am not good with expressing myself but I am trying so that’s something. Oh and also never have I ever realized that I use ‘you know’ and ‘like’ words a lot. yawooozzzaaaa but oh well.
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First crush
My first crush was a guy I used to go to school with. He was a year ahead of me and I had a crush over him since I was in elementary school. I would just look at him and admire him from afar. There were times when he would help me out with my math because I really struggled with it. I had no idea or even wanted him to like me, I liked him and that was enough though there were times when I would catch him gazing at me too. Then he moved to another city. I didn’t see him for years then one day at a bus stop, there he was, all grown up, a man and may I say a handsome one. My heart was beating rapidly and I couldn’t stop myself from stealing glances. I was so excited and we took the same bus which only made me more delighted because it meant I could look at him more. As he was sitting ahead of me, my eyes locked on him, he suddenly turned and looked at me, gave me a nod. It was a moment of pure panic for me as I didn’t know what to do so I just nodded back, he went back to normal and I grinned. He got off at his station and I got off at mine but it still gives me butterflies when I think about him or this experience.
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Alone
27/6/23
How do you know that you are alone? What does being alone means? Is it that you don’t have anyone, a family, a friend, a soul mate or someone to rely on or is it that you have everything but something inside of you is missing, it keeps making you feel alone like no one is there for you even when you have everyone, even when you are surrounded by all. Do you feel like there is a connection missing with someone or something?
We live in a world where technology has made everything easy. We can connect with a person who is in another country yet we can’t connect with someone who is sitting right in front of us.
I felt alone whenever I was going through something. I had to look for a solution, a way out. I thought, not thought but felt I was all alone, on my own and too prund to share or show my worry. I knew no one can help me and that would make me more agitated and annoyed.
You can feel alone when you don’t have someone physically there for you. Imagine doing something incredible and feeling so happy and no one to hug. I was on top of my class in my fifth grade, nobody had scored as much I did in one of the subjects in the whole school too. I was out of this world. I was beyond happy and when I got home no one was there. I quickly and excitedly looked for my granny. The neighbours told me she’s gone to her relatives house so I ran there and told her. She didn’t even get up from her chair. She said very good and asked me either What I want to eat or that she will cook something good for me today. I don’t remember exactly. I said ok and as I was walking towards my house I thought damn my dad is dead and I don;t even have mom to celebrate with me. Due to some circumstances, we were not living with mom at that time. It was shortly after my dad had died. I remember thinking If my dad were to be here he would have given me anything. I guess that was the very first time when I felt alone. Not so sure as I don’t remember my life well.
Continuing, as to what alone is, is it that you have no one to turn to when in need or someone telling you that they are proud of you or that they are happy for you. There is no one who would do their best to make you feel happy, to see you smile. In situations like these we understand the importance of family, a home (not a house but a home),a true friend, a sibling or even a pet.
To not have someone physically there for you is quite common. There are so many people without a family or a friend and they just don’t know what to do. This is easy to understand and easy to help too. I guess its only easy when you are able to find right people which are hard to find.
Now the opposite is when you have a family, whole lot of friends and a home and you still feel ALONE, like there is no one who gets you, no one cares for you and when you say you feel alone you get asked WHY? You have loving parents, friends then how are you alone?
I don’t have many friends. I just don’t like people in general and I also don’t have the energy to keep up. I barley have energy to keep up with myself. But I do consider myself a good friend though. I may not be with you always but I will hold you when you need me to.
I only have family of 5, out of which 3 are my favourites and I don’t want to burden them and that’s why I have always hid my self and to make everyone stop worrying about me, I pretended to be okay when I wasn’t and it only made things worse. I still do that. All of those years of pain and now medicine and therapy, I still hide myself because I don’t want them to worry.
I know it’s stupid but it’s my burden to bear why they should suffer. I have been alone ever since I can remember and I am too set in my ways. And my sister knows I’m struggling and she checks on me. I just don’t tell her every thought that I have because let’s be honest my head is not a pretty place and I don’t want her in there.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m alone and probably be for the rest of my life so don’t make the mistake I did. Don’t be stupid and accept the help. Talk it out and do better.
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Numb
I feel numb my brain is working as usual but my body is refusing to sleep. I want to sleep but then I don’t want to I don’t know. What did I do so wrong to deserve this to be treated like this? I am pretty sure that I did everything that I could. I did even more than that and still I got nothing not a single f****** thing. He doesn’t care at all, my feelings my depression. My problems. My happiness doesn’t matter at all.
How did this happen he was supposed to love me? Understand me, care for me. Make me feel good about myself, helped me rebuild myself, but he broke whatever I had left in me. He took whatever was left.He didn’t care at all, not even once. I am pretty much sure that I don’t deserve this, not like that? I am not a thing he can just use for his convenience and then forget about me until he needs me again, how he can treat me like this after everything. I have told him everything, I shared everything with him.
Wasn’t he supposed to protect me? Wasn’t he supposed to take away all the pain, all the hurt, all the suffering, then why is he causing me so much pain. why is he making me suffer? Why is he ignoring me this much? What did I do to be ignored by him? I was supposed to be a priority now. I’m not even in the list. I did told him how broken I was and he did say he would take care of me. Then why is he doing this? Why can’t he talk to me, text me but expects that everything is fine, nothing is fine.
I am not fine. I am bleeding from my heart or whatever is left of it and he still doesn’t care. He still can’t talk to me, he can’t take care for me? Does he even need me in his life?
I honestly am wondering what I am in his life. What place do I have. Do I even have a place? Why is he making me go numb again? Why do I have to kill my emotions again? Why do I have to do it because of him? Why is he causing me so much pain? Why can’t he understand me, especially when I have told him?
Is it too much to ask?
Why do I have to die again, to be dead inside in order to survive this? Why can’t I be normal? Why couldn’t he keep his promise of making everything normal. Was I not supposed to trust him? Why did I trust him so much? Why couldn’t I see through his lie? Why is it all my fault even after doing everything right.
Should I have not helped him? Should I have left him? Why he wanted me to be normal when I had told him I am broken and that he should look for someone else. He said he will be there for me so why isn’t he here at the worst of the worst time of my life? I need him the most but he is nowhere to be found. Why is he not here with me? Why can’t he tell me that everything will be OK? Why can’t he support me at my worst? Why did he leave me alone? I don’t think I deserve to be deserted, to be left alone, to fight on my own.
I am tired, I really am. I can’t fight anymore so why is he not here to fight on my place, to fight for me.
I honestly don’t know what the h*** did I do so wrong to be treated like this? Why does he not think of me? Does it mean nothing to him? I am going mad trying to figure out what went wrong. How or why did this had have to happen? Why I have to still fight? I have nothing left? I am just utterly and completely done.
It’s my fault for thinking everything and maybe that’s why I deserve to be treated this way. I think it’s time to handle everything by myself again, even if I don’t want to or even if I’m tired. I have to take the reins in my hand because I don’t have to be good, smart, in one piece or anything like that. I will be what I feel. Even if I don’t feel anything, even if I am in trillion of pieces but I will still be me.
I will choose what I want to do. I will choose what I feel and I feel confident after such a f****** long time, 8 years to be precise. I m going to be fine and nobody’s going to have the responsibility of my happiness but me.
Just because I am broken, doesn’t mean I can’t live, feel or be happy. I can do all of these things and I will do it especially without his help. He left me alone and now I am responsible for myself and I don’t like the person I am. I don’t want to cry anymore seriously. I’m done with crying, feeling s***** and all that.
I will depend on myself and even if I am too tired to continue, I will continue and the way I want. My happiness depends on me, not on anyone else so I will do this for myself.
I never thought I would be doing this. I don’t want to but I will be beyond repair if I don’t, if I don’t take control back in my hands. Honestly I don’t think I can salvage myself but hey here is to the hope, so I am taking back the charge of my life and I have no f****** idea what to do?
This sucks but I’m going to take it easy and take one step at a time. I’m not going to overwhelm myself and from now on I am going to be kind and nice to myself as I would be to another human being. I am going to give myself importance and care for myself and then just take it from there.
One step at a time and the most important thing is to be myself, doesn’t matter good or weird, kind. I mean I still have questions like was I not good enough? Why does it have to be me? Why do I have to go through this? But yeah whatever I know for sure that I’m not going to feel miserable any longer. I may be tired of everything but man I am fed up with being miserable so yeah I’m done so now let’s see what happens.
I wrote all of that around 3 am in 2021, don’t remember the month but as I was reading through, I was feeling everything. I was struggling then and I still am but in some ways I’m better now. My husband is not in charge of my happiness, my pain, my being anymore. I do or don’t do things as per his liking. I do what I like. I dress how I like. I see what I wanna see. I am trying to get better but it’s a long road ahead and I am aware that I am not gonna get the parts I lost but I am still here and I hope I can be at least the essence of what I used to be.
Thanks for reading. it was something very personal and I was most vulnerable in the moment. But writing it down made me realize things I didn’t even know exited and I started to write often after that and I’ll try to post what I can here.
About Me
A lot of things happened in my life and nobody was there to help me.I slowly felt like withering away and after keeping everything inside me I finally chose to speak about how I feel so i just wanna be able to help anyone that I can with whatever I can as I never talked about my feelings or emotions so I wanna say VERBALIZE YOUR FEELINGS. . Don’t try to keep things inside, you let them all out.
my meloncholy 