I don’t wanna do it…

I haven’t done anything on my blog for a while now. I keep thinking about it and I wanna do it but it’s just that when I have to do it, something inside me is stopping me and not letting me do it. I don’t know what it is. I know I’ve never done something like this and it’s just scary. I also get this thought that I shouldn’t do blogging as there is no point to it but then I didn’t start because there was a point. I mean I do wanna be able to help anyone that I can but I need to start with myself. I wanted to share and I wanted to do something about me, about my thinking so that I can get better.

I have my laptop right in front of me, it’s just right there waiting for me to open it but I’m not opening it. What I’m doing instead is I’m wasting my time. I even did some house chores and I did waste my time on Instagram, facebook, YouTube. I’m doing everything else other than what I actually need to do. I don’t wanna share anything and I wanna scream at the top of my lungs whenever I think of posting something on my blog and it’s awfully tough. I never thought it would be this complicated.

I have a new found respect for people who can share things like wow, it’s just wow that you can. You just share whatever is inside you. How do you do that? I don’t know how people do that but I always found it fascinating and I always thought that you know when it will be needed I will be able do it so it’s not a big deal but now I need to share myself and I’m scared out of my frigging mind. I don’t want to do it. I have been putting away my blog for many days now.

I knew it would be challenging because as a person who has never done any sharing or anything similar, it’s meant to be difficult. I thought that with time I would be able to overcome this but it’s not as I thought it would be. It’s more challenging than I thought. It’s like I have to completely ignore myself in order to post. I have to go against everything I have when I want to share. I have no words for it. I don’t know how to explain it, it’s just so hard and it’s not supposed to be this hard and I have so many things that I want to put out, the things I wanna share but I’m just so frightened and I’m just so scared. I feel like there’s someone inside me somehow dies every time I think of posting on my blog.

I don’t know what happens but something happens and I’m not able to do it and it’s so annoying because it’s not like I completely don’t want to do it. I want to do it then the majority of the time I don’t what to do it. It’s scary and infuriating. I don’t get scared that easily either. I have been through a lot of s*** and if I can get through that then this should be a piece of cake but surprisingly this is hard.

Who would have thought of this happening, I never thought that I would be scared of my laptop. I actually don’t want to open it. I don’t want to go onto my site and update it and I have so many ideas. I mean I think about them and I have written them down. I have so much stuff written and again I just don’t want to do it. I don’t know what to do. I have even talked to my therapist about it. She said that I’m just avoiding it as I have never shared before and it has become a part of my personality and having to share is something that goes against the very foundation of me. What I am doing is I am trying to break from my shell which has become a part me and I am trying to break the mould which I created for myself.

Well I already knew the avoiding part. I am avoiding it because what if I can’t say what I want to say clearly. The fact that I will let someone in, the fact that people will know about me is scary. It truly scares me. I also am afraid about the fact that what if I am not able to explain myself better, what if I can’t get across my true feelings and everything becomes tangled. I don’t know how it will be received, how it will affect me, my mentality and my personality. I am afraid to put myself out there. I don’t know how to do it properly. I mean I am not bad at communicating but my sister says I suck but I think I listen well and speak where I need to but the problem is I don’t communicate when I have to talk about myself. Even now I would do anything right now but post. If I get a choice between posting something or doing something that I hate, I would most certainly do the hating chore but I would not post and it doesn’t make any sense.

I feel like I will not be the same person if I open up. For so long I have kept everything to myself, every thought, every feeling, every emotion, every sensation, every idea, all of it was just inside me. I never let anybody knew anything. I always maintained the face. I never felt the need to share and I always thought that I can handle it. I do these things and I keep everything inside, that’s who I am. Whatever it is whatever that I’m feeling or thinking or going through is meant to be inside me, nothing is supposed to go outside.

As I have kept everything to myself, it’s very crammed on the inside now and everything is so heavy. By sharing I need to make space or I would go bonkers. It’s safe to say that if I won’t share I would explode.  

I just don’t know, I don’t know man but you know what, I’m not gonna give up. I’m going to give myself time(however long that may be) and I’m gonna give myself confidence and I’m going to be nice to myself. I’m going to be kind to myself and I’m going to be very patient with myself as what I want to do will not happen overnight. I will simply keep my eyes on the goal which is sharing. I just need to remember that sharing is not bad and it actually helps. I need to focus on the fact why I started my blog and it is because I wanna share my thoughts, my emotions, my opinions, my perception about life, about whatever I feel, about whatever I have inside me and I am not going to give up just because I’m scared. I am gonna keep on doing it and I will keep on writing and then just make a way where everything is OK for me and I am able to share. Possibly without being scared but I don’t think that will happen anytime soon but yeah I’m gonna keep on going, find my strength and then hopefully post whatever it is that I wanna post on my blog. It’s a simple thing. I don’t want to give up just because I’m scared. I wanna keep posting even if it’s once a month or whenever it may be.

Sharing may be easy for some people but it’s really challenging for some. I need to share as I always urge everyone else to share because I am well aware of the fact that by sharing, every burden becomes lighter and there is no shame in it either.

I know that I have never done something like this before so obviously it’s going to take time and I will not rush. It may take more time than I expect and it’s OK. It should be fine and with time I am going to post each and everything that I have written and hopefully I will not be scared of my blog.

Mind you I am on a diet as I am trying to lose some of the weight which I gained by just sitting around and binge eating and stress eating. Even now I am stress eating because I have promised myself to post this today because I have been putting it off for almost more than two weeks now.