So I was thinking to upload something on my blog and I can’t seem to find the right post and even though I have lots of things written down already, I have no idea what to upload. While deciding, I came upon something which is very private to me and I want to upload it. It’s private in the sense that I have not talked about it with anyone , not even myself. I just ended up writing whatever I felt in that moment. I really do want to post it as I think sharing this would help me some way. I have no idea how it will help me but before sharing anything else that I have written I want to go with this. I’m kinda nervous and scared at the same time as I feel very vulnerable sharing this. This is something very close to my heart and I learned an important life lesson from it(I hope it will probably be my last life lesson which broke me this bad).I mean I don’t mind the lessons I just wish that the life didn’t have to be this cruel to teach me these life lessons. I won’t be any good if I’m dead or in an asylum so I hope from now on it won’t be this harsh. Fingers crossed.  

Even though not many people are going to read this I still feel naked(emotionally).Even in general I’m scared of putting myself out there but I am debating real hard about what should I do regarding this because when I wrote this I was at very vulnerable place. This was before starting my medication and therapy and I was just a big hot pile of mess.

It already has been more than three months, I think, since I have posted and if I am being honest I also thought about quitting my blog too. I honestly have no idea or motivation of any kind as to why should I continue to write and why should I share what I write. But since I want to get better I am going to continue my blog and not give up because if I give up now then I just might go back right where I started and I don’t want that to happen because I have worked very hard to get out of the situation. Healing is a long process and I am fully committed to do so. Not gonna give up.

Again the topic which I intend to share is very delicate so I’m worried as twice because I don’t want to share it in the first place but then to share that topic is even more scary. I don’t have another word for it other than the fact that I’m terrified. As I was having second thoughts so I talked to my aunt about it and she said that I should do it. My therapist also thinks that I should do it. I also think that I should do it. I think it would help me one way or another. I don’t know why I’m scared. I don’t know what I am scared of but I’m scared.

The reason I want to share a very delicate topic is because I want to put myself out there and when I wrote this topic I was very susceptible. I was in an extremely bad place. I was defeated. I wanted to end myself. I have wanted to kill myself before but around that time I was so close to killing myself that one day I actually got up and took out my blade and started cutting myself on my arm. First I was going to cut my wrists but I had enough will to cut my inner arm and not my wrists. So it’s safe to say that my mental health, my emotional state, my physical health none of these were good. I was just at the rock bottom of the rock bottoms. ‘

Maybe because it’s such a delicate topic(at least for me it is) that’s why I’m scared more but I want to put myself out there so that I can get better at opening up. I wrote this topic almost more than a year ago because writing was the only way for me to get it all out. I still remember that it was night time and just like all the other nights I was not able to sleep. It was around 3 am and eyes were wide open and I couldn’t stop crying. I just kept on crying and I had no idea why was I crying. I didn’t know how to stop it but I wanted it to stop. So I got up looked for paper and pen and started writing. After writing everything, I felt so relieved and I was also in a bit of a shock of what I wrote because I had no idea that is how I felt. It was like a completely different person wrote it because I never thought I would depend on someone so much. Following is what I wrote that night.

I feel numb. My brain is working as usual but my body is refusing to sleep. I want to sleep but then I don’t want to.I don’t know. What did I do so wrong to deserve this? To be treated like this? I am pretty sure that I did everything that I could, I did even more than that and still I got nothing not a single f****** thing. He doesn’t care at all. He could care less about me, my feelings, my depression, my problem, my happiness doesn’t matter at all.

How did this happen? He was supposed to love me, understand me, care for me, make me feel good about myself, help me rebuild myself but he broke whatever I had left in me. He didn’t care at all, not even once. I am pretty much sure that I don’t deserve this, not like this. I am not a thing he can just use for his convenience and then forget about me until he needs me again. How he can treat me like this after everything. I told him everything. I shared everything with him. Wasn’t he supposed to protect me? Wasn’t he supposed to take away all the pain, all the hurt, all the suffering? Why is he causing me so much pain? Why is he making me suffer? Why is he ignoring me this much? What did I do to be ignored by him? I was supposed to be a priority and now I’m not even in the list. I did told him how broken I was and he did say he would take care of me so then why is he doing this? Why can’t he talk to me? All I need is five minutes from his whole entire day but he can’t do this and then expects for everything to be fine. Nothing is fine.

I am not fine. I am bleeding from my heart or whatever is left of it and he still doesn’t care. He still can’t talk to me. He can’t take care of me. Does he even need me in his life? I honestly am wondering what I am in his life. What place do I have? Do I even have a place? Why is he making me go numb again?

Why do I have to kill my emotions again? Why do I have to do it because of him? Why is he causing me so much pain? Why can’t he understand me especially when I told him everything there is to tell? Is it too much to ask?

Why do I have to be dead inside in order to survive this? Why can’t I be normal? Why couldn’t he keep his promise of making everything normal? Was I not supposed to trust him? Why did I trust him so much? Why couldn’t I see through his lies? Why is it my fault even after doing everything right?

Should I have not helped him? Should I have left him? Why he wanted me to be normal when I had told him I am not and that he should look for someone else. Why he wanted me to be normal? He said he will be there for me so why isn’t he here at the worst of the worst time of my life? I need him the most but he is nowhere to be found. Why is he not here with me? Why can’t he tell me that everything will be OK. Why can’t he support me at my worst? Why did he leave me alone? I don’t think I deserve to be deserted, to be left alone, to fight on my own. I am tired. I really am. I can’t fight anymore so why is he not here to fight on my place, to fight for me?

I honestly don’t know what the h*** did I do so wrong to be treated like this? Why does he not think of me? Does it mean nothing to him? I am going mad trying to figure out what went wrong. How or why did this had to happen? Why I have to still fight? I am tired of it all. I have nothing left. I am just utterly and completely done.

It’s my fault for thinking everything and maybe that’s why I deserve to be treated the way he treated me but I think it’s time to handle everything by myself again even if I don’t want to or even if I’m tired. I have to take the reins in my hands because I don’t have to be good, smart, in one piece or anything like that I will be what I feel even if I don’t feel anything. I am in billion and trillion of pieces but I will still be me.

I will choose what I want to do. I will choose what I feel and I think I feel confident after such a f****** long time, 8 years to be precise and even if I am in trillion of pieces; I’m going to be fine and nobody’s going to have the responsibility of my happiness but me.

Just because I am broken doesn’t mean I can’t live, feel or be happy. I can do all of these things and I will, especially without his help. He left me alone and now I am responsible for myself and I don’t like the person I am right now. I don’t like to be miserable, be at someone’s mercy or be needy. I never ever thought that I would be this low in my life and believe me I have had a life time of being low having nothing and in those times all I had was God on my side and all the strength which he blessed me with and even then I never felt what I am feeling now. I am at his misery but why am I like this? Where is my dignity and my respect which I used to have for myself? Why have I fallen so low that I can’t get back up without his help? Why do I need his help? Why is it that I need his approval to be ok? Why or how I became so dependent on him? I was a strong girl who got out of so much in her life on her own so why do I need him to make everything ok?  I don’t feel like human. I feel nothing but a dark pit inside me and I keep asking myself why hasn’t he made everything ok? Why has he broken me further to a point where I have nothing? Why is everything black? I don’t see any light. All I can see is the sweet release of death. Why can’t I see through it and why do I need him to make me see through it? I don’t know why was I so dependent on him. I don’t know why I thought he would be the one to take away everything horrible that I have. I just don’t understand how or why I was thinking to have a fairytale ending. Fairytales are not real and maybe they are but if I want a fairytale ending then I will work for it. I won’t be needing him to do so. I will do that on my own.

I don’t want to cry anymore. I’m done with crying, feeling s***** and all that now. I will depend on myself and even if I am too tired to continue, I will continue the way I can. My happiness depends on me and not on anyone else so I will do this for myself and you should too.

I never thought I would be taking back the helms but here we are. I kinda don’t want to but I will be beyond repair if I didn’t take control back in my hands. Honestly I don’t think I can be repaired but hey here is to the hope so I am taking back the charge of my life and I have no f****** idea what to do. Man this sucks. But I’m going to take it easy and take one step at a time. I’m not going to overwhelm myself and from now on I am going to be kind and nice to myself as I would be to another human being. I am going to give myself importance and care for myself and then just take it from there.

One step at a time and the most important thing is to be myself doesn’t matter good or weird. I mean I still have questions like was I not good enough? Why does it have to be me? Why do I have to go through this? But yeah whatever I know for sure that I’m not going to feel miserable any longer. I may be tired of everything but man I am fed up with being miserable so yeah I’m done and I am responsible for myself now so let’s see what happens.