So I have been thinking of quitting my blog for a long time now and I kind of did. I made up my mind of not continuing it as it felt like more of a burden than a habbit and I was ok with it until I got the ‘renew your subscription’ mail. At first I didn’t care and then I got the mail giving me ten days to renew my subscription or everything will be gone. I felt hesitated and I was still thinking of letting it end but then I also kinda didn’t want to let go and then I told myself that now is the right time to make the decision and just make a decision and stick with it. At the last day I ended up paying for my subscription and here we are. So once I paid for it, I talked to my aunt about it and she said what’s the point of having it if you are not gonna use it so I started thinking what should I do.

I mean I have a lot of stuff written ,I just don’t know where to start. I kept thinking about it and I decided to just go with whatever I have written. I will not worry about being organised, being coherent or having a structure because that’s what I wanted to do. I wanted to be meticulous, be in order, be perfect with whatever I post because that’s what I have been since now. But I don’t wanna be that person now. Well to be honest I don’t think I can be that person even if I tried to as I am not able to handle any kind of stress and also its very tiring too.

So I am just gonna start posting whichever topic I come across from my diary. Yeah I write on my diary then type into my laptop because it feels more personal and my feelings becomes more clearer with doing so. Sometimes I end up writing things I don’t even know that they are there and that’s why I like to use pen and paper for clarity.

I have been writing since 2008 I think. I am not 100% sure. I have 5 journals, well more like I had them. The last time I was home I ended up burning all of them. I hadn’t been home for four years and when I finally went back there it was a disaster. I had depression before but I ended up having a severe depression. It became so bad that I didn’t move from my bed for four months. but its a story for another time. Coming back to the journals, I read them, I lived all the horrible memories once again and then I burned them all. I felt so good and so relived after doing that. I didn’t keep anything from those journals except that part where I wrote something for my future self. I don’t remember the exact words but it was something along the lines of, you know what I just got up and looked for that particular paper of piece because I kept it with me.

So this is what is written” I can bet that whenever your reading this you are in pain, so don’t worry , it’s your job. You are who you are with pain. Remember that it created you. Just try to be happy sometimes, it won’t kill you and you are awesome atleast for me. 5/Sept./2014 “

When I read this I was for sure in pain and I laughed so hard because it was so fricking accurate. I decided to try to be happy. I read that note in 2020 and since then I am trying to be happy. I don’t want something or anything, I just wanna be happy. I want to be at peace and I don’t want to feel empty. And most important of all I want that feeling to stop which makes me feel like something is missing, something is scratching my heart and it keeps aching and I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to stop it. but here is to hope. I hope I will be able to be Happy, just genuinely Happy.

Having said that, I am gonna try and be more active on my blog as it is my hobby only, nothing more. At some point I started to think of it as my responsibility and not my hobby but I need to remember that it is just my hobby. I don’t have any responsibility to share my life here. I should do this because its my hobby and instead of writing on my diary I will be putting it out in world but thats ok. Its not a big deal and it will help me open up a little more. I need to learn to be more open and it seems like a good start. Plus my therapist thinks that blogging would be a good way and a good use of my creativity as well.

The verdict is that I am gonna continue my blog and I am just gonna think of it as my hobby and hobbies don’t have to make sense, don’t have to be perfect and that’s pretty much it.

toodles

Can’t believe I said that but hey I am trying new things so what the hell right.

🙂