So today is 16th August, around 12 am, for some reason I am not able to sleep. I have no idea why, maybe I overslept the last night. I don’t think it’s true but it works. I was trying to go to sleep and out of nowhere like I have no idea how or why but I just remembered a song. Well not exactly the song as its just video that I remember but its a memory through which I remember the song. There was a time when I was listening to music continuously, it was 24/7 because you know there was a lot happening and music was the only escape that was helping me with everything. It helped me process my emotions and kept them bottled up and I just remembered that Joe Jonas had come up with the song and I couldn’t remember what the song was but all I remember is that it was a good song and just like today I wasn’t able to sleep that night and something had happened. I remember now what it was. I mean I had blocked it out but when I remember the song I remembered why I was up at that time. I don’t know why I’m up today but that night I remember why I was up and God I listened to this song on repeat for the whole night and I’m not even exaggerating. I’m not even kidding, I actually listened to that song on repeat. I remember it was a website because he was coming up with the new album and Jonas brother had broken up at that time and they were doing their solo things and I still don’t remember what the album’s name was and I haven’t looked it up yet but I went to YouTube and I said Joe Jonas songs and then I looked through his songs and then there it was “see no more” and it just made me feel happy and now I’m listening to it and I realize that it has been 10 years since this song has been out and it’s been 10 years of me you know handling s***. I can’t believe that it’s been so long, the time span is just sinking in, I am just realizing that a whole f***ing decde of shitstorms and what not. I’m not handling s*** now like I used to. I’m just breaking up slowly and I can’t do it anymore. I’m all out of energy, out of not even energy I think I’m out of the will, I don’t have the will, I may have energy or maybe I have something that makes me keep going on but I just don’t have the will like I just want everything to stop. How great that would be, nothing to think about, nothing to worry about, everything is just gone.

Yeah so, listening to the song made me so happy. I was so happy because it’s something that I remembered from my life because I don’t remember much as it’s all in bits and pieces and most of the time when I try to track it or when I try to think about it, it’s just blank, nothing pops up, like I can’t find anything and the only thing I have is music. I have so many songs and when I listen to them now a lot of feeling again unexplained feeling take over me. I have listened to so many great songs, many great lyrics which helped me through my pain, my anger, my embarrassment, my helplessness, through my everything. I basically had song for almost every emotion I had. I would listen to it and it would keep me calm. It would keep me centred. It would keep me focused which was very important at that time. Music does not help me the way it used to but I’m just glad that I’m getting back to it. I’m getting back to listening to it because it’s been a while, it’s been actually sometime now that I can’t enjoy music. It’s not that I don’t want to listen to, it just doesn’t sound the same. It doesn’t matter if I am listening to the same old songs or the new ones, it’s not the same. They are just words and tunes which are just noise. Music has become a noise to me. How shameful, how stupid and how sad is that. Music used to feed my soul and now it can’t even reach to my ears. I get annoyed with it, there is no peace, no happiness or calmness in it. Its just noise to me. What a bad fucking realization. How does that even happen. I honestly don’t get it that how the hell did this happened. Man its annoying but true. I don’t have anything right now like I don’t know what happens but it’s like when I broke down, everything within me just left me but remembering this song today made me happy and even though I have a very bad memory attached to it I’m still happy that I remembered something.

Not to make it sound serious it’s not like I don’t remember anything, I have some memories but most of them are lost in a dark sea and and remembering them is like fishing. I may find something, I may not find anything at all. I do have my triggers and music is one of them. A whole lot of songs are associated with my feelings, the good and the bad ones. I mean again we don’t remember everything and in our lives anyway, right and I am old too so I guess it’s okay not to remember everything but you know I just wish that I could remember better. I won’t remember the moments of my happiness because I have had a very tough childhood, a gritty upbringing with some awesome and wholesome moments. I have those good memories, those happy memories so I want to remember those ones more. I want to focus on those but sadly I can’t remember and I can’t even pick my bad ones either as they just come rushing to me. I have nothing but you know what it’s going to get better, it’s going to be okay. I tried to give up my medication I didn’t take any medication for 2 to 3 months, it didn’t work. I was crying all the time. I was everywhere, my mind and soul where scattered. I wasn’t focused, wasn’t centred and I just kept thinking and kept wandering into that Sea Of Darkness that I have.

So, sadly I had to start my medication again. I don’t want to be on medication because well I just don’t want to be the person who relies on a pill to have a good life and also I’m not a medicine person like if I have fever or cold, I’ll just rest and then get back up and I’m like fine. I cannot tell you how many problems like physical ailments that I have just worked through. I have just worked through it and I want to work through this as well but sadly I can’t and I hate, oh I hate it so much but I need the medication and I don’t like saying this but I do so I’m back on my medication and medicine does make you emotionally numb to certain point so I guess that’s what I have now because I don’t have the happiness, I don’t have to sadness, I don’t have anything, I am just numb to everything even the to the beauty of nature, the beauty of music but this moment like right now as I am typing this I’m happy because I remembered this song. I remembered the feelings, I remembered being up and I remember that night, yeah that was quite a night to say the least and ironically enough the lyrics not all of them but some were on point and at that time I was too upset to notice then but today I remember that how much it fits with that scenario. As of this moment I don’t want to live but I don’t want to kill myself either so you know all in all that’s good. It’s going good and if you haven’t heard this song See No More by Joe Jonas listen to it, it’s a good song, video, lyrics and you can see here Joe being an artist, a musician so yep that’s that.

As I am proof reading this one, I realized I have so many broken and uncompleted lines. Its a headache to understand what I was trying to express. I guess I still am not good with expressing myself but I am trying so that’s something. Oh and also never have I ever realized that I use ‘you know’ and ‘like’ words a lot. yawooozzzaaaa but oh well.