As a person who thinks a lot , I often wonder if I am a procrastinator, an overthinker or I am just lazy or maybe I just don’t do things until I feel like it, don’t have a clear word for this habit as I legit won’t do some things until my or someone else’s life depend on it even then I would try to think of a way not to complete it but I do get upset if someone is trying to do it.

I think I am both because sometimes when I don’t feel like doing something I will just put it off and be like I need to think about it some more and sometimes I will just do whatever I am suppose to do. I think there is a very fine line between procrastination and laziness, and it’s hard to know the difference, I mean, for me, it is at least.

I started writing this on the 31st of August of this year, and today is I believe 7th of October of 2023. So, yeah, I’m still debating whether I’m a procrastinator or just a lazy a** , but I do want to add that ever since my last post in which I talked about not having to worry about anything, not having to worry about being perfect, I have wanted to write more well I do write, I just don’t post, but since then I have wanted to post more.

Because I have written a lot of things, I tried to post two to three times, but every time, I got overwhelmed with whatever I had written because there were so many things that I just wasn’t able to choose from. Also, when I see the things I do not see, I mean when I read the things that I have written, they don’t make sense to me now. Not all of it but some of it. But I’m pretty sure that when I wrote them those were my thoughts , my feelings or my intuition or my questions. When I re read some of it, it puts me off. And I get nervous and conscious, and I second guess myself that should I really put it out? Should I really post it. I get second thoughts, which leads to more thinking, which leads to putting it off, which leads to anxiety, and I end up putting everything away. And every time, I just gave up. I have been writing since 2009 or even maybe earlier than that as well so there are a lot of things, lot of feelings, anger in my words. some of those things don’t make sense now and some of them I wanna forget. Last to last year, 2020 I think I re read all of my dairies and I tore all of them and burned them because I don’t want to remember most of my past as I have blocked all of it in my brain and now its not even on the paper but I did wrote a lot during my recovery so just reading them takes my mind to places and I just end up not choosing anything.

I think a lot, I plan. I guess I’m not sure if you would call it planning, but I think a lot of scenarios and I think about almost everything that I can think about. Sometimes I think about what should I think. So that should tell you the kind of person I am.

But I also want to say that I procrastinate. Because when I know that I want to do something, I think about it and then I try to come up with a lot of plans and then choose the one that is more efficient, better, more perfect than other ideas in my head and then I do what I am suppose to do. I remember that one holiday I decided to do all my homework in the beginning and then to go grand parents house so I asked my mom to delay visiting them for 2 to 3 days and I actually ended up going through my plan and it worked amazingly. My mom and my sister couldn’t believe as I always used to do my homework at the last moment like literally as I remember once my teacher was checking the homework of other students and I was at the back trying my best to finish it before my it was turn so that I can avoid getting smacked.

But I have realized that I am actually lazy. I also think that procrastination is a better, more sophisticated sister or cousin sister of laziness, just my opinion. I’m not a procrastinator, though, because you know you are suppose to delay things for some time, and then you get them done after some time. Meanwhile, I sometimes just keep putting it off to a point of no return . And then I’m like, oh, I want to do it perfectly. And then that gets me into trouble, because first I didn’t do it at all, then when I am finally doing it, I want it to be perfect but I don’t have enough time for that. So, that is a whole conundrum in itself.

Weather I am a perfectionist or not I am not sure but I do most of the time, whatever my project is, try to make it immaculate. Once I had to make a project on environment and we were given a fifteen day time period. I kept thinking what I want, how I want to do it but I kept putting it off and then I did not sleep for the whole night and then went to school then came home worked on my project without sleeping to get it done and making sure that its the best in my class and it happened. Everyone, even from other classes, students came to look at it and praised it and then my teacher looked at it for two seconds and threw it away and moved on to another student. After that I never worked hard on any of my school projects.

I also have been procrastinating about the new name that I want for my blog now because the one that I have now is what I had in my mind when I started. The reason for this was that I thought I would be confessing things. I would be writing about the solutions that I have come up with to deal with the problems I have had to endure. That’s why the name was confessions and solutions.

Now, I don’t think this is the right name for the blog because there are confessions but also my story, my thinking, and all that. I want to talk. It’s more like that I wanna make myself understandable. I don’t know to whom I want myself to be understood by, but I wanna talk, I gotta be able to talk. I don’t want to hide myself. I want to be able to talk and express myself better.

Yes, that’s the word express. I wanna be able to express myself better and without hiding my thoughts, my actual emotions, and I wanna be real. So, for that, I’ve been trying to come up with names that I can rename this blog so that it’s more what I’m trying to do with it. And I mean, I have come up with 4 to 5 names. But none of them are like Dang, that’s the one, right? So, let’s see what I can come up with and how long it will take.

And also, ever since I have written my last post where I said that it’s not a burden on me, it’s not something that I have to do and that it has to be my hobby and all that. Ever since then, I have frequently visited my blog in hopes of posting something, but the fact that I couldn’t choose still remains,just too many options to choose from. I also didn’t get time as well because it’s been busy. I have a job after a very long time. I got a job and I was really terrified about it as how would I do it but I’m doing good. I’m surprisingly doing good, and I have lovely co-worker’s which doesn’t happen often. Knock on wood for that, and I have actually had that job for a while now. And I’m hoping to change it because I wanna do more. I think I can take on more work because first I wasn’t able to deal with anything at all. I was just not prepared mentally or physically. And then I started with a part-time job which became full-time. And now I’m actually doing a good job. I actually got promoted, which is really good. It felt really good, and it was really good for my self esteem and then I applied for another job and this job that I have applied for is more similar to what I have been doing in the past and that’s why I want to change.

I got interviewed, and they did say yes, so it is in the works, and hopefully, I will start soon enough and apart from that, I also had to change my rental house because the one where we were, they were having way too many people over for me to focus and have my own space, so that happened.

You know, with the new job and with moving, I still made time to do this, and it feels really good, and I’m not able to choose what I want as in which topic do I want to go with next? I am gonna come up with a system for this as well.

Some other good things happened. I called my aunt yesterday, and we were talking about my mental health. She was asking me how everything was, and then I didn’t even realize it until I told her that it’s not as it used to be. I’m not scared anymore. I don’t have suicidal thoughts as often. Thoughts of hurting me or anyone else are not there. It’s just that they don’t control me anymore, so when I told her this she was really happy and then I was like, “Oh yeah, that’s true because now my thoughts don’t control me. I am able to control them, and then I was like, ” Wow, I didn’t even realize that this has happened. So good. I am happy, and everything seems to be going normal.

I mean, there are some ups and downs but they are not the ups and downs which I have faced before. They are something that I can brush off. So, all in all, it’s good. I am late for my work though, but I’m trying my best not to be late cause I was cleaning before.

I want to be able to do things that make me happy. I still am able to do things. Hopefully, I will keep getting better.

Let’s hope for the best. And who’ll see what happens next

PS pics are not mine but taken from google images.