So before we get into this I would like to say that I absolutely hate it when things get updated. why ? Why would you do that it’s working just fine, I just learned it, why would you update it again. no I don’t want a new feature, I am happy with what I got and that’s because I can operate it. I wish I could yell this to the updating team everywhere, I mean I just spent five minutes trying to get to my this site. I have two, the first one is not launched and I made that one when I first thought of writing back in 2019, I guess I must have done something cause when I signed up again with WordPress it remembered me and now I have two of the blog and somehow how that one is my primary site well not somehow I did made that one first so yeah and I have no idea what to do with the other one I mean I am barely keeping up with this one. But man I hate it when any of the softwares get updated. I still have a lot of new things to learn from this one.

Aaaaahhhhhh but enough with my rant and the following I wrote on when I was still in between my mental break down. I have had it in the drafts since early August of 2023 but here it goes…..

I hid myself for 20years  From myself from my family from the person I love the most which is my sister and I didn’t show them the real me because I wanted to focus on them and not myself. I pushed my emotions away always and that drove me to a point where I have to go to therapy now and I have depression, anxiety. I’m getting the medicine for bipolar so yeah that’s there and then I can’t believe that it took me 20 years to realize that I am not actually being myself so now I have decided to do things, say things the way I want to, the way I like them. I won’t think about anybody else but myself. I think I’m going to be selfish now because it’s been a while and I think it’s right time because otherwise the option that I have left is not good for me because if I compromise some more or if I do the adjustments one more time or if I do Anything like that then I think my mental health will definitely be unstable for longer than it actually has to be so Now I just am going to do say, think, speak, eat whatever I want and I’m going to be me it doesn’t matter how stupid, irritating, annoying, bold, weird, outgoing or introverted or smart, childish I will be. I am going to be myself and and I’m not going to hide myself anymore. Yes I am selfish, ruthless arrogant. I have ego and I am not a nice person. I will not talk to you nicely if you’re not talking nice to me. I will be a bitch. I will be all whatever I need to be to survive, to not just survive but live I have been surviving until now but now I want to live and in order to do that I need to do things the way I actually want, I want to say things as they are and not be afraid of myself anymore.

I have a dark side which is shattered and twisted but it’s time for me to accept that. I am broken. I have been for a long time and I’m probably going to be like that for the rest of my life and I have made my peace with that. I just want to live even if I’m broken, even then I want to live because the energy it takes to make myself up again and then to hold myself together and then face situations or just my own mind is just too much. I’d rather use that energy to do something good, to do something useful rather than wasting it on myself because every time something happens I get shattered into billion trillion pieces then why the h*** should I keep building myself again if I’m just going to be fallen again so it’s better to stay broken and to do something better with than to just waste my energy. I mean you would think that I would get used to being hurt and broken but nope, doesn’t work that way at least not with me. I mean it’s not that I am not strong or anything like that it’s just I get hurt easily. I never realized how sensitive I am until now when I have completely fallen apart and I have nothing left even the little things bother me , I mean I don’t have any patience left. I just wanna kill the person who is talking or kill myself. Nothing in between. So instead of putting back myself I will use that energy to make myself happy. Even if I am broke that doesn’t mean that I can’t be happy, I can’t have peace in my life. It’s in my life so yeah I’m not going to hide and I would suggest anybody who is feeling the same way, feeling that they are in a shell that they need to come out it’s not easy ,it’s never easy. These things when we see them in movies or in dramas they are totally different from what life actually is, what hiding your side can actually do to you, how it is self harming. Just don’t beat yourself and treat yourself. The most important thing you can do for yourself is to be kind to yourself. This is the most important thing, you need to be kind to yourself, give yourself time and just realize that that the persona you have created is not real but the person inside that persona is real so even if it takes time, even if it hurts just take it slow but come out of that shell and start living.

Life will still suck, there will be problems and all that but you will be stronger somehow. You will have peace even among all the s*** all the h*** that you will be going through you will be better. You will have a strength which will come from I don’t know where because it came to me so it will come to you from that place I guess but just try to be who you are even if people say you are selfish, arrogant or f******* too nice, too good. It doesn’t matter, whatever just be who you are because if you are not proud to be who you are then how can you expect someone else to be proud of you or like you the way you are. I’m not going to say just stop hiding no it’s not that easy and it will not happen in an instant. It will take time and courage and strength and every piece of energy that you have and it’s OK take your time, dig deeper and see who you are and then make peace with it and then just be happy. It’s a very simple process when we think about it but hard to get it done but it’s worth it. I have no expectations from life. I don’t think it will never not suck. I expect it but then you get stronger and you’re happy and you’re able to do things ,you are able to see things in a different perspective which is very important so don’t hide and come to a resolve with yourself first and then see how your behaviour needs to be edited or filtered according to the society because we do live in a society and we need to live by live by certain set of morals and sometimes you’re not actually the person who wants to live by those morals so that’s why you need to filter that part of yourself but first you need to know who you are as a person, come to an understanding with it.

I guess what I am trying to say is that tame your beast, but I don’t believe it because you can never tame a beast. You will always lock it up in a cage and you will never open that cage which is not helpful to you or the beast. It’s going to be there making its presence known so don’t put your beast in a cage instead come to an understanding with your beast. I’m not saying go to the devil and all that I don’t believe in that thing what I want to say is that whatever evil you have inside you, whatever darkness you feel there is or whatever bad things you think you can do, come to an agreement with it, acknowledge that I am capable of doing things but just because I can, doesn’t mean I should. That’s how you can come to an agreement with your beast because if you put something in a cage that’s not taming, its just suppressing a part of yourself. Now lions are always in the cage right and even if they have been caged forever we don’t keep them outside the lock because we know it can go wild anytime so the same thing is with our beast that we can only cage it and be afraid of it but if we set that beast free and make an agreement , comes to terms with it then we can cohabitate. Cohabitation is really something that something that we should be able to do and it will help you to grow more, to learn more, to gain a whole new perspective in your life so you don’t need to hide yourself even if you have a dark side or a soft side or whatever side it is just come to terms with it yourself, you have to do-it-yourself and then people will follow.

As I am proof reading this, I am kinda getting a little bit embarrassed. I have no idea what I was feeling then. It is a blank memory for me but I guess those were the feelings. Some of it still is true as I still am looking after myself first then catering to other’s needs. Not gonna lie it was weird and liberating at the same time. It was a good change, a much needed change. I still think I can be a little bit more bold as I am not confronting some of the issues still but in time I will get there. I am just happy with the progress I have. While re reading this, I got upset. I still am upset but I am watching JJK on my other tab, its been helpful but Toji just killed Gojo and Rika Chan. Now I am thinking that I should watch Horimiya because that one is light and cozy because if you have seen it then you know what’s coming in JJK. But no matter what I am going to complete this today and publish it. When I publish something it makes me feel real good and I feel like I am being productive. I am half way through it so shouldn’t be that bad. I should be able to get it done.

I also wanna mention that there are a lot of line, words are written which don’t make sense now and also some lines are not complete so trying to remember what I meant, what I was trying to say is a hassle and kind of energy draining too and it obviously effects my current mood cause I read this, I have a lot of unexplained feelings and I have no idea how to process them but thats why I am watching anime, it helps. But at the end of the day I still need to remember that healing is neither easy nor fast. It’s one step at a time and a lot of setbacks but as long as I am moving forward it will be fine. All I gotta do is move forward and remember that I didn’t f*** myself up in months so I can’t be better in months. Time and Kindness is needed and I should never forget it. I am not 100% comfortable with posting this cause some of it made me real uncomfortable and I did delete some it but here i am posting it anyway and I am proud of myself for that. yayyyyyy