I feel numb my brain is working as usual but my body is refusing to sleep. I want to sleep but then I don’t want to I don’t know. What did I do so wrong to deserve this to be treated like this? I am pretty sure that I did everything that I could. I did even more than that and still I got nothing not a single f****** thing. He doesn’t care at all, my feelings my depression. My problems. My happiness doesn’t matter at all.

How did this happen he was supposed to love me? Understand me, care for me. Make me feel good about myself, helped me rebuild myself, but he broke whatever I had left in me. He took whatever was left.

He didn’t care at all, not even once. I am pretty much sure that I don’t deserve this, not like that? I am not a thing he can just use for his convenience and then forget about me until he needs me again, how he can treat me like this after everything. I have told him everything, I shared everything with him.

Wasn’t he supposed to protect me? Wasn’t he supposed to take away all the pain, all the hurt, all the suffering, then why is he causing me so much pain. why is he making me suffer? Why is he ignoring me this much? What did I do to be ignored by him? I was supposed to be a priority now. I’m not even in the list. I did told him how broken I was and he did say he would take care of me. Then why is he doing this? Why can’t he talk to me, text me but expects that everything is fine, nothing is fine.

I am not fine. I am bleeding from my heart or whatever is left of it and he still doesn’t care. He still can’t talk to me, he can’t take care for me? Does he even need me in his life?

I honestly am wondering what I am in his life. What place do I have. Do I even have a place? Why is he making me go numb again? Why do I have to kill my emotions again? Why do I have to do it because of him? Why is he causing me so much pain? Why can’t he understand me, especially when I have told him?

Is it too much to ask?

Why do I have to die again, to be dead inside in order to survive this? Why can’t I be normal? Why couldn’t he keep his promise of making everything normal. Was I not supposed to trust him? Why did I trust him so much? Why couldn’t I see through his lie? Why is it all my fault even after doing everything right.

Should I have not helped him? Should I have left him? Why he wanted me to be normal when I had told him I am broken and that he should look for someone else. He said he will be there for me so why isn’t he here at the worst of the worst time of my life? I need him the most but he is nowhere to be found. Why is he not here with me? Why can’t he tell me that everything will be OK? Why can’t he support me at my worst? Why did he leave me alone? I don’t think I deserve to be deserted, to be left alone, to fight on my own.

I am tired, I really am. I can’t fight anymore so why is he not here to fight on my place, to fight for me.

I honestly don’t know what the h*** did I do so wrong to be treated like this? Why does he not think of me? Does it mean nothing to him? I am going mad trying to figure out what went wrong. How or why did this had have to happen? Why I have to still fight? I have nothing left? I am just utterly and completely done.

It’s my fault for thinking everything and maybe that’s why I deserve to be treated this way. I think it’s time to handle everything by myself again, even if I don’t want to or even if I’m tired. I have to take the reins in my hand because I don’t have to be good, smart, in one piece or anything like that. I will be what I feel. Even if I don’t feel anything, even if I am in trillion of pieces but I will still be me.

I will choose what I want to do. I will choose what I feel and I feel confident after such a f****** long time, 8 years to be precise. I m going to be fine and nobody’s going to have the responsibility of my happiness but me.

Just because I am broken, doesn’t mean I can’t live, feel or be happy. I can do all of these things and I will do it especially without his help. He left me alone and now I am responsible for myself and I don’t like the person I am. I don’t want to cry anymore seriously. I’m done with crying, feeling s***** and all that.

I will depend on myself and even if I am too tired to continue, I will continue and the way I want. My happiness depends on me, not on anyone else so I will do this for myself.

I never thought I would be doing this. I don’t want to but I will be beyond repair if I don’t, if I don’t take control back in my hands. Honestly I don’t think I can salvage myself but hey here is to the hope, so I am taking back the charge of my life and I have no f****** idea what to do?

This sucks but I’m going to take it easy and take one step at a time. I’m not going to overwhelm myself and from now on I am going to be kind and nice to myself as I would be to another human being. I am going to give myself importance and care for myself and then just take it from there.

One step at a time and the most important thing is to be myself, doesn’t matter good or weird, kind. I mean I still have questions like was I not good enough? Why does it have to be me? Why do I have to go through this? But yeah whatever I know for sure that I’m not going to feel miserable any longer. I may be tired of everything but man I am fed up with being miserable so yeah I’m done so now let’s see what happens.

I wrote all of that around 3 am in 2021, don’t remember the month but as I was reading through, I was feeling everything. I was struggling then and I still am but in some ways I’m better now. My husband is not in charge of my happiness, my pain, my being anymore. I do or don’t do things as per his liking. I do what I like. I dress how I like. I see what I wanna see. I am trying to get better but it’s a long road ahead and I am aware that I am not gonna get the parts I lost but I am still here and I hope I can be at least the essence of what I used to be.

Thanks for reading. it was something very personal and I was most vulnerable in the moment. But writing it down made me realize things I didn’t even know exited and I started to write often after that and I’ll try to post what I can here.