27/6/23

How do you know that you are alone? What does being alone means? Is it that you don’t have anyone, a family, a friend, a soul mate or someone to rely on or is it that you have everything but something inside of you is missing, it keeps making you feel alone like no one is there for you even when you have everyone, even when you are surrounded by all. Do you feel like there is a connection missing with someone or something?

We live in a world where technology has made everything easy. We can connect with a person who is in another country yet we can’t connect with someone who is sitting right in front of us.

I felt alone whenever I was going through something. I had to look for a solution, a way out. I thought, not thought but felt I was all alone, on my own and too prund to share or show my worry. I knew no one can help me and that would make me more agitated and annoyed.

You can feel alone when you don’t have someone physically there for you. Imagine doing something incredible and feeling so happy and no one to hug. I was on top of my class in my fifth grade, nobody had scored as much I did in one of the subjects in the whole school too. I was out of this world. I was beyond happy and when I got home no one was there. I quickly and excitedly looked for my granny. The neighbours told me she’s gone to her relatives house so I ran there and told her. She didn’t even get up from her chair. She said very good and asked me either What I want to eat or that she will cook something good for me today. I don’t remember exactly. I said ok and as I was walking towards my house I thought damn my dad is dead and I don;t even have mom to celebrate with me. Due to some circumstances, we were not living with mom at that time. It was shortly after my dad had died. I remember thinking If my dad were to be here he would have given me anything. I guess that was the very first time when I felt alone. Not so sure as I don’t remember my life well.

Continuing, as to what alone is, is it that you have no one to turn to when in need or someone telling you that they are proud of you or that they are happy for you.  There is no one who would do their best to make you feel happy, to see you smile. In situations like these we understand the importance of family, a home (not a house but a home),a true friend, a sibling or even a pet.

To not have someone physically there for you is quite common. There are so many people without a family or a friend and they just don’t know what to do. This is easy to understand and easy to help too. I guess its only easy when you are able to find right people which are hard to find.

Now the opposite is when you have a family, whole lot of friends and a home and you still feel ALONE, like there is no one who gets you, no one cares for you and when you say you feel alone you get asked WHY? You have loving parents, friends then how are you alone?

I don’t have many friends. I just don’t like people in general and I also don’t have the energy to keep up. I barley have energy to keep up with myself. But I do consider myself a good friend though. I may not be with you always but I will hold you when you need me to.

I only have family of 5, out of which 3 are my favourites and I don’t want to burden them and that’s why I have always hid my self and to make everyone stop worrying about me, I pretended to be okay when I wasn’t and it only made things worse. I still do that. All of those years of pain and now medicine and therapy, I still hide myself because I don’t want them to worry.

I know it’s stupid but it’s my burden to bear why they should suffer. I have been alone ever since I can remember and I am too set in my ways. And my sister knows I’m struggling and she checks on me. I just don’t tell her every thought that I have because let’s be honest my head is not a pretty place and I don’t want her in there.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m alone and probably be for the rest of my life so don’t make the mistake I did. Don’t be stupid and accept the help. Talk it out and do better.