I am very anxious right now. I have to do something. I wish that I didn’t have to do it but I have to do it. I know that and I also know I will be able to do it. It’s just that for me to having to go through it, is making me miserable. I can’t stop overthinking. I am really anxious. I can’t stop my leg from shaking, my head from going into thousands of scenarios. My head is pacing on its own and I feel stuck and I shouldn’t because I know what I’m supposed to do, I know how to get it done and as I’ve said, I know I’m going to get it done.
It’s the part of me having to do it. That is giving me problem because I just wish that I never had to do it and I still don’t want to do it. I know it’s the right thing for me to do but I still don’t want to do it and I’m scared. I’m angry. I’m hurt, annoyed Because life keeps on giving me lemon and I’m tired of making lemonade. I just wish that this one was a free pass somehow you know a miracle happens and it’s done. I don’t have to do it and it’s been done for me.

I just keep hoping that I go to sleep and I wake up and somehow it’s done and I don’t have to deal with it. I just wish I don’t have to think about it, worry about it or anything if only that could happen and I just can’t stop thinking. I don’t know why and I don’t want to bother my family again because they have had to listen to it for some time and I’m just annoyed at myself right now because get it done I know I have to do it. I know I can do it so why am I so out of my mind? I just don’t know Why am I so so angry and then scared at the same time? It’s not supposed to, I’m not supposed to be angry and scared at the same time? What? How does it make sense? And why am I so freaking anxious?

i’ve been depressed for a very long time and with years of therapy I’ve made progress and I also feel like I don’t wanna go back. I don’t want to regress. I just don’t want to un do the work that I’ve done on myself but at the same time I just want to pull the Band-Aid off and be done with it so that I can move on and live my life in a stable healthier way. I’ve already made the decision.
I just need to go with it and again it’s the journey that’s scary. It’s not the decision. It’s not me not knowing what to do it’s the journey that I have to take in order to have a better life because I am leaving a person that’s been in my life for eight years and it’s not freaking easy and what doesn’t help me at all is that I also blame myself because I should’ve known better and blah blah blah but I just need to do it. I just need to pull off the Band-Aid, be done with it and focus on myself again, heal myself and be stable but I just hope again, once again I just wish somehow that I don’t have to go through this, that I don’t have to pull off the Band-Aid and that somehow I was able to live with that Band-Aid but I know I can’t because it’s starting to smell and I can’t stand the smell it’s giving.

I just wish that I can have some stability after everything is done and I hope I emerge victorious to say the least because I’m out of my fricking mind. It’s like everything inside me is screaming but I’ve had to deal with a lot of shit in my life so I’m very positive that I’m gonna get through this. I’m just not too positive where my mental health will stand after this but I guess we’ll see.