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what to do
I am very anxious right now. I have to do something. I wish that I didn’t have to do it but I have to do it. I know that and I also know I will be able to do it. It’s just that for me to having to go through it, is making me miserable.
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See no more
So today is 16th August, around 12 am, for some reason I am not able to sleep. I have no idea why, maybe I overslept the last night. I don’t think it’s true but it works. I was trying to go to sleep and out of nowhere like I have no idea how or why but I just remembered a song. Well not exactly the song as its just video that I remember but its a memory through which I remember the song. There was a time when I was listening to music continuously, it was 24/7 because you know there was a lot happening and music was the only escape that was helping me with everything. It helped me process my emotions and kept them bottled up and I just remembered that Joe Jonas had come up with the song and I couldn’t remember what the song was but all I remember is that it was a good song and just like today I wasn’t able to sleep that night and something had happened. I remember now what it was. I mean I had blocked it out but when I remember the song I remembered why I was up at that time. I don’t know why I’m up today but that night I remember why I was up and God I listened to this song on repeat for the whole night and I’m not even exaggerating. I’m not even kidding, I actually listened to that song on repeat. I remember it was a website because he was coming up with the new album and Jonas brother had broken up at that time and they were doing their solo things and I still don’t remember what the album’s name was and I haven’t looked it up yet but I went to YouTube and I said Joe Jonas songs and then I looked through his songs and then there it was “see no more” and it just made me feel happy and now I’m listening to it and I realize that it has been 10 years since this song has been out and it’s been 10 years of me you know handling s***. I can’t believe that it’s been so long, the time span is just sinking in, I am just realizing that a whole f***ing decde of shitstorms and what not. I’m not handling s*** now like I used to. I’m just breaking up slowly and I can’t do it anymore. I’m all out of energy, out of not even energy I think I’m out of the will, I don’t have the will, I may have energy or maybe I have something that makes me keep going on but I just don’t have the will like I just want everything to stop. How great that would be, nothing to think about, nothing to worry about, everything is just gone.
Yeah so, listening to the song made me so happy. I was so happy because it’s something that I remembered from my life because I don’t remember much as it’s all in bits and pieces and most of the time when I try to track it or when I try to think about it, it’s just blank, nothing pops up, like I can’t find anything and the only thing I have is music. I have so many songs and when I listen to them now a lot of feeling again unexplained feeling take over me. I have listened to so many great songs, many great lyrics which helped me through my pain, my anger, my embarrassment, my helplessness, through my everything. I basically had song for almost every emotion I had. I would listen to it and it would keep me calm. It would keep me centred. It would keep me focused which was very important at that time. Music does not help me the way it used to but I’m just glad that I’m getting back to it. I’m getting back to listening to it because it’s been a while, it’s been actually sometime now that I can’t enjoy music. It’s not that I don’t want to listen to, it just doesn’t sound the same. It doesn’t matter if I am listening to the same old songs or the new ones, it’s not the same. They are just words and tunes which are just noise. Music has become a noise to me. How shameful, how stupid and how sad is that. Music used to feed my soul and now it can’t even reach to my ears. I get annoyed with it, there is no peace, no happiness or calmness in it. Its just noise to me. What a bad fucking realization. How does that even happen. I honestly don’t get it that how the hell did this happened. Man its annoying but true. I don’t have anything right now like I don’t know what happens but it’s like when I broke down, everything within me just left me but remembering this song today made me happy and even though I have a very bad memory attached to it I’m still happy that I remembered something.
Not to make it sound serious it’s not like I don’t remember anything, I have some memories but most of them are lost in a dark sea and and remembering them is like fishing. I may find something, I may not find anything at all. I do have my triggers and music is one of them. A whole lot of songs are associated with my feelings, the good and the bad ones. I mean again we don’t remember everything and in our lives anyway, right and I am old too so I guess it’s okay not to remember everything but you know I just wish that I could remember better. I won’t remember the moments of my happiness because I have had a very tough childhood, a gritty upbringing with some awesome and wholesome moments. I have those good memories, those happy memories so I want to remember those ones more. I want to focus on those but sadly I can’t remember and I can’t even pick my bad ones either as they just come rushing to me. I have nothing but you know what it’s going to get better, it’s going to be okay. I tried to give up my medication I didn’t take any medication for 2 to 3 months, it didn’t work. I was crying all the time. I was everywhere, my mind and soul where scattered. I wasn’t focused, wasn’t centred and I just kept thinking and kept wandering into that Sea Of Darkness that I have.
So, sadly I had to start my medication again. I don’t want to be on medication because well I just don’t want to be the person who relies on a pill to have a good life and also I’m not a medicine person like if I have fever or cold, I’ll just rest and then get back up and I’m like fine. I cannot tell you how many problems like physical ailments that I have just worked through. I have just worked through it and I want to work through this as well but sadly I can’t and I hate, oh I hate it so much but I need the medication and I don’t like saying this but I do so I’m back on my medication and medicine does make you emotionally numb to certain point so I guess that’s what I have now because I don’t have the happiness, I don’t have to sadness, I don’t have anything, I am just numb to everything even the to the beauty of nature, the beauty of music but this moment like right now as I am typing this I’m happy because I remembered this song. I remembered the feelings, I remembered being up and I remember that night, yeah that was quite a night to say the least and ironically enough the lyrics not all of them but some were on point and at that time I was too upset to notice then but today I remember that how much it fits with that scenario. As of this moment I don’t want to live but I don’t want to kill myself either so you know all in all that’s good. It’s going good and if you haven’t heard this song See No More by Joe Jonas listen to it, it’s a good song, video, lyrics and you can see here Joe being an artist, a musician so yep that’s that.
As I am proof reading this one, I realized I have so many broken and uncompleted lines. Its a headache to understand what I was trying to express. I guess I still am not good with expressing myself but I am trying so that’s something. Oh and also never have I ever realized that I use ‘you know’ and ‘like’ words a lot. yawooozzzaaaa but oh well.
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Hiding
So before we get into this I would like to say that I absolutely hate it when things get updated. why ? Why would you do that it’s working just fine, I just learned it, why would you update it again. no I don’t want a new feature, I am happy with what I got and that’s because I can operate it. I wish I could yell this to the updating team everywhere, I mean I just spent five minutes trying to get to my this site. I have two, the first one is not launched and I made that one when I first thought of writing back in 2019, I guess I must have done something cause when I signed up again with WordPress it remembered me and now I have two of the blog and somehow how that one is my primary site well not somehow I did made that one first so yeah and I have no idea what to do with the other one I mean I am barely keeping up with this one. But man I hate it when any of the softwares get updated. I still have a lot of new things to learn from this one.
Aaaaahhhhhh but enough with my rant and the following I wrote on when I was still in between my mental break down. I have had it in the drafts since early August of 2023 but here it goes…..
I hid myself for 20years From myself from my family from the person I love the most which is my sister and I didn’t show them the real me because I wanted to focus on them and not myself. I pushed my emotions away always and that drove me to a point where I have to go to therapy now and I have depression, anxiety. I’m getting the medicine for bipolar so yeah that’s there and then I can’t believe that it took me 20 years to realize that I am not actually being myself so now I have decided to do things, say things the way I want to, the way I like them. I won’t think about anybody else but myself. I think I’m going to be selfish now because it’s been a while and I think it’s right time because otherwise the option that I have left is not good for me because if I compromise some more or if I do the adjustments one more time or if I do Anything like that then I think my mental health will definitely be unstable for longer than it actually has to be so Now I just am going to do say, think, speak, eat whatever I want and I’m going to be me it doesn’t matter how stupid, irritating, annoying, bold, weird, outgoing or introverted or smart, childish I will be. I am going to be myself and and I’m not going to hide myself anymore. Yes I am selfish, ruthless arrogant. I have ego and I am not a nice person. I will not talk to you nicely if you’re not talking nice to me. I will be a bitch. I will be all whatever I need to be to survive, to not just survive but live I have been surviving until now but now I want to live and in order to do that I need to do things the way I actually want, I want to say things as they are and not be afraid of myself anymore.
I have a dark side which is shattered and twisted but it’s time for me to accept that. I am broken. I have been for a long time and I’m probably going to be like that for the rest of my life and I have made my peace with that. I just want to live even if I’m broken, even then I want to live because the energy it takes to make myself up again and then to hold myself together and then face situations or just my own mind is just too much. I’d rather use that energy to do something good, to do something useful rather than wasting it on myself because every time something happens I get shattered into billion trillion pieces then why the h*** should I keep building myself again if I’m just going to be fallen again so it’s better to stay broken and to do something better with than to just waste my energy. I mean you would think that I would get used to being hurt and broken but nope, doesn’t work that way at least not with me. I mean it’s not that I am not strong or anything like that it’s just I get hurt easily. I never realized how sensitive I am until now when I have completely fallen apart and I have nothing left even the little things bother me , I mean I don’t have any patience left. I just wanna kill the person who is talking or kill myself. Nothing in between. So instead of putting back myself I will use that energy to make myself happy. Even if I am broke that doesn’t mean that I can’t be happy, I can’t have peace in my life. It’s in my life so yeah I’m not going to hide and I would suggest anybody who is feeling the same way, feeling that they are in a shell that they need to come out it’s not easy ,it’s never easy. These things when we see them in movies or in dramas they are totally different from what life actually is, what hiding your side can actually do to you, how it is self harming. Just don’t beat yourself and treat yourself. The most important thing you can do for yourself is to be kind to yourself. This is the most important thing, you need to be kind to yourself, give yourself time and just realize that that the persona you have created is not real but the person inside that persona is real so even if it takes time, even if it hurts just take it slow but come out of that shell and start living.
Life will still suck, there will be problems and all that but you will be stronger somehow. You will have peace even among all the s*** all the h*** that you will be going through you will be better. You will have a strength which will come from I don’t know where because it came to me so it will come to you from that place I guess but just try to be who you are even if people say you are selfish, arrogant or f******* too nice, too good. It doesn’t matter, whatever just be who you are because if you are not proud to be who you are then how can you expect someone else to be proud of you or like you the way you are. I’m not going to say just stop hiding no it’s not that easy and it will not happen in an instant. It will take time and courage and strength and every piece of energy that you have and it’s OK take your time, dig deeper and see who you are and then make peace with it and then just be happy. It’s a very simple process when we think about it but hard to get it done but it’s worth it. I have no expectations from life. I don’t think it will never not suck. I expect it but then you get stronger and you’re happy and you’re able to do things ,you are able to see things in a different perspective which is very important so don’t hide and come to a resolve with yourself first and then see how your behaviour needs to be edited or filtered according to the society because we do live in a society and we need to live by live by certain set of morals and sometimes you’re not actually the person who wants to live by those morals so that’s why you need to filter that part of yourself but first you need to know who you are as a person, come to an understanding with it.
I guess what I am trying to say is that tame your beast, but I don’t believe it because you can never tame a beast. You will always lock it up in a cage and you will never open that cage which is not helpful to you or the beast. It’s going to be there making its presence known so don’t put your beast in a cage instead come to an understanding with your beast. I’m not saying go to the devil and all that I don’t believe in that thing what I want to say is that whatever evil you have inside you, whatever darkness you feel there is or whatever bad things you think you can do, come to an agreement with it, acknowledge that I am capable of doing things but just because I can, doesn’t mean I should. That’s how you can come to an agreement with your beast because if you put something in a cage that’s not taming, its just suppressing a part of yourself. Now lions are always in the cage right and even if they have been caged forever we don’t keep them outside the lock because we know it can go wild anytime so the same thing is with our beast that we can only cage it and be afraid of it but if we set that beast free and make an agreement , comes to terms with it then we can cohabitate. Cohabitation is really something that something that we should be able to do and it will help you to grow more, to learn more, to gain a whole new perspective in your life so you don’t need to hide yourself even if you have a dark side or a soft side or whatever side it is just come to terms with it yourself, you have to do-it-yourself and then people will follow.
As I am proof reading this, I am kinda getting a little bit embarrassed. I have no idea what I was feeling then. It is a blank memory for me but I guess those were the feelings. Some of it still is true as I still am looking after myself first then catering to other’s needs. Not gonna lie it was weird and liberating at the same time. It was a good change, a much needed change. I still think I can be a little bit more bold as I am not confronting some of the issues still but in time I will get there. I am just happy with the progress I have. While re reading this, I got upset. I still am upset but I am watching JJK on my other tab, its been helpful but Toji just killed Gojo and Rika Chan. Now I am thinking that I should watch Horimiya because that one is light and cozy because if you have seen it then you know what’s coming in JJK. But no matter what I am going to complete this today and publish it. When I publish something it makes me feel real good and I feel like I am being productive. I am half way through it so shouldn’t be that bad. I should be able to get it done.
I also wanna mention that there are a lot of line, words are written which don’t make sense now and also some lines are not complete so trying to remember what I meant, what I was trying to say is a hassle and kind of energy draining too and it obviously effects my current mood cause I read this, I have a lot of unexplained feelings and I have no idea how to process them but thats why I am watching anime, it helps. But at the end of the day I still need to remember that healing is neither easy nor fast. It’s one step at a time and a lot of setbacks but as long as I am moving forward it will be fine. All I gotta do is move forward and remember that I didn’t f*** myself up in months so I can’t be better in months. Time and Kindness is needed and I should never forget it. I am not 100% comfortable with posting this cause some of it made me real uncomfortable and I did delete some it but here i am posting it anyway and I am proud of myself for that. yayyyyyy
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Laziness… or else…
As a person who thinks a lot , I often wonder if I am a procrastinator, an overthinker or I am just lazy or maybe I just don’t do things until I feel like it, don’t have a clear word for this habit as I legit won’t do some things until my or someone else’s life depend on it even then I would try to think of a way not to complete it but I do get upset if someone is trying to do it.
I think I am both because sometimes when I don’t feel like doing something I will just put it off and be like I need to think about it some more and sometimes I will just do whatever I am suppose to do. I think there is a very fine line between procrastination and laziness, and it’s hard to know the difference, I mean, for me, it is at least.
I started writing this on the 31st of August of this year, and today is I believe 7th of October of 2023. So, yeah, I’m still debating whether I’m a procrastinator or just a lazy a** , but I do want to add that ever since my last post in which I talked about not having to worry about anything, not having to worry about being perfect, I have wanted to write more well I do write, I just don’t post, but since then I have wanted to post more.
Because I have written a lot of things, I tried to post two to three times, but every time, I got overwhelmed with whatever I had written because there were so many things that I just wasn’t able to choose from. Also, when I see the things I do not see, I mean when I read the things that I have written, they don’t make sense to me now. Not all of it but some of it. But I’m pretty sure that when I wrote them those were my thoughts , my feelings or my intuition or my questions. When I re read some of it, it puts me off. And I get nervous and conscious, and I second guess myself that should I really put it out? Should I really post it. I get second thoughts, which leads to more thinking, which leads to putting it off, which leads to anxiety, and I end up putting everything away. And every time, I just gave up. I have been writing since 2009 or even maybe earlier than that as well so there are a lot of things, lot of feelings, anger in my words. some of those things don’t make sense now and some of them I wanna forget. Last to last year, 2020 I think I re read all of my dairies and I tore all of them and burned them because I don’t want to remember most of my past as I have blocked all of it in my brain and now its not even on the paper but I did wrote a lot during my recovery so just reading them takes my mind to places and I just end up not choosing anything.
I think a lot, I plan. I guess I’m not sure if you would call it planning, but I think a lot of scenarios and I think about almost everything that I can think about. Sometimes I think about what should I think. So that should tell you the kind of person I am.
But I also want to say that I procrastinate. Because when I know that I want to do something, I think about it and then I try to come up with a lot of plans and then choose the one that is more efficient, better, more perfect than other ideas in my head and then I do what I am suppose to do. I remember that one holiday I decided to do all my homework in the beginning and then to go grand parents house so I asked my mom to delay visiting them for 2 to 3 days and I actually ended up going through my plan and it worked amazingly. My mom and my sister couldn’t believe as I always used to do my homework at the last moment like literally as I remember once my teacher was checking the homework of other students and I was at the back trying my best to finish it before my it was turn so that I can avoid getting smacked.
But I have realized that I am actually lazy. I also think that procrastination is a better, more sophisticated sister or cousin sister of laziness, just my opinion. I’m not a procrastinator, though, because you know you are suppose to delay things for some time, and then you get them done after some time. Meanwhile, I sometimes just keep putting it off to a point of no return . And then I’m like, oh, I want to do it perfectly. And then that gets me into trouble, because first I didn’t do it at all, then when I am finally doing it, I want it to be perfect but I don’t have enough time for that. So, that is a whole conundrum in itself.
Weather I am a perfectionist or not I am not sure but I do most of the time, whatever my project is, try to make it immaculate. Once I had to make a project on environment and we were given a fifteen day time period. I kept thinking what I want, how I want to do it but I kept putting it off and then I did not sleep for the whole night and then went to school then came home worked on my project without sleeping to get it done and making sure that its the best in my class and it happened. Everyone, even from other classes, students came to look at it and praised it and then my teacher looked at it for two seconds and threw it away and moved on to another student. After that I never worked hard on any of my school projects.
I also have been procrastinating about the new name that I want for my blog now because the one that I have now is what I had in my mind when I started. The reason for this was that I thought I would be confessing things. I would be writing about the solutions that I have come up with to deal with the problems I have had to endure. That’s why the name was confessions and solutions.
Now, I don’t think this is the right name for the blog because there are confessions but also my story, my thinking, and all that. I want to talk. It’s more like that I wanna make myself understandable. I don’t know to whom I want myself to be understood by, but I wanna talk, I gotta be able to talk. I don’t want to hide myself. I want to be able to talk and express myself better.
Yes, that’s the word express. I wanna be able to express myself better and without hiding my thoughts, my actual emotions, and I wanna be real. So, for that, I’ve been trying to come up with names that I can rename this blog so that it’s more what I’m trying to do with it. And I mean, I have come up with 4 to 5 names. But none of them are like Dang, that’s the one, right? So, let’s see what I can come up with and how long it will take.
And also, ever since I have written my last post where I said that it’s not a burden on me, it’s not something that I have to do and that it has to be my hobby and all that. Ever since then, I have frequently visited my blog in hopes of posting something, but the fact that I couldn’t choose still remains,just too many options to choose from. I also didn’t get time as well because it’s been busy. I have a job after a very long time. I got a job and I was really terrified about it as how would I do it but I’m doing good. I’m surprisingly doing good, and I have lovely co-worker’s which doesn’t happen often. Knock on wood for that, and I have actually had that job for a while now. And I’m hoping to change it because I wanna do more. I think I can take on more work because first I wasn’t able to deal with anything at all. I was just not prepared mentally or physically. And then I started with a part-time job which became full-time. And now I’m actually doing a good job. I actually got promoted, which is really good. It felt really good, and it was really good for my self esteem and then I applied for another job and this job that I have applied for is more similar to what I have been doing in the past and that’s why I want to change.
I got interviewed, and they did say yes, so it is in the works, and hopefully, I will start soon enough and apart from that, I also had to change my rental house because the one where we were, they were having way too many people over for me to focus and have my own space, so that happened.
You know, with the new job and with moving, I still made time to do this, and it feels really good, and I’m not able to choose what I want as in which topic do I want to go with next? I am gonna come up with a system for this as well.
Some other good things happened. I called my aunt yesterday, and we were talking about my mental health. She was asking me how everything was, and then I didn’t even realize it until I told her that it’s not as it used to be. I’m not scared anymore. I don’t have suicidal thoughts as often. Thoughts of hurting me or anyone else are not there. It’s just that they don’t control me anymore, so when I told her this she was really happy and then I was like, “Oh yeah, that’s true because now my thoughts don’t control me. I am able to control them, and then I was like, ” Wow, I didn’t even realize that this has happened. So good. I am happy, and everything seems to be going normal.
I mean, there are some ups and downs but they are not the ups and downs which I have faced before. They are something that I can brush off. So, all in all, it’s good. I am late for my work though, but I’m trying my best not to be late cause I was cleaning before.
I want to be able to do things that make me happy. I still am able to do things. Hopefully, I will keep getting better.
Let’s hope for the best. And who’ll see what happens next
PS pics are not mine but taken from google images.
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to do blogging or not…
So I have been thinking of quitting my blog for a long time now and I kind of did. I made up my mind of not continuing it as it felt like more of a burden than a habbit and I was ok with it until I got the ‘renew your subscription’ mail. At first I didn’t care and then I got the mail giving me ten days to renew my subscription or everything will be gone. I felt hesitated and I was still thinking of letting it end but then I also kinda didn’t want to let go and then I told myself that now is the right time to make the decision and just make a decision and stick with it. At the last day I ended up paying for my subscription and here we are. So once I paid for it, I talked to my aunt about it and she said what’s the point of having it if you are not gonna use it so I started thinking what should I do.
I mean I have a lot of stuff written ,I just don’t know where to start. I kept thinking about it and I decided to just go with whatever I have written. I will not worry about being organised, being coherent or having a structure because that’s what I wanted to do. I wanted to be meticulous, be in order, be perfect with whatever I post because that’s what I have been since now. But I don’t wanna be that person now. Well to be honest I don’t think I can be that person even if I tried to as I am not able to handle any kind of stress and also its very tiring too.
So I am just gonna start posting whichever topic I come across from my diary. Yeah I write on my diary then type into my laptop because it feels more personal and my feelings becomes more clearer with doing so. Sometimes I end up writing things I don’t even know that they are there and that’s why I like to use pen and paper for clarity.
I have been writing since 2008 I think. I am not 100% sure. I have 5 journals, well more like I had them. The last time I was home I ended up burning all of them. I hadn’t been home for four years and when I finally went back there it was a disaster. I had depression before but I ended up having a severe depression. It became so bad that I didn’t move from my bed for four months. but its a story for another time. Coming back to the journals, I read them, I lived all the horrible memories once again and then I burned them all. I felt so good and so relived after doing that. I didn’t keep anything from those journals except that part where I wrote something for my future self. I don’t remember the exact words but it was something along the lines of, you know what I just got up and looked for that particular paper of piece because I kept it with me.
So this is what is written” I can bet that whenever your reading this you are in pain, so don’t worry , it’s your job. You are who you are with pain. Remember that it created you. Just try to be happy sometimes, it won’t kill you and you are awesome atleast for me. 5/Sept./2014 “
When I read this I was for sure in pain and I laughed so hard because it was so fricking accurate. I decided to try to be happy. I read that note in 2020 and since then I am trying to be happy. I don’t want something or anything, I just wanna be happy. I want to be at peace and I don’t want to feel empty. And most important of all I want that feeling to stop which makes me feel like something is missing, something is scratching my heart and it keeps aching and I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to stop it. but here is to hope. I hope I will be able to be Happy, just genuinely Happy.
Having said that, I am gonna try and be more active on my blog as it is my hobby only, nothing more. At some point I started to think of it as my responsibility and not my hobby but I need to remember that it is just my hobby. I don’t have any responsibility to share my life here. I should do this because its my hobby and instead of writing on my diary I will be putting it out in world but thats ok. Its not a big deal and it will help me open up a little more. I need to learn to be more open and it seems like a good start. Plus my therapist thinks that blogging would be a good way and a good use of my creativity as well.
The verdict is that I am gonna continue my blog and I am just gonna think of it as my hobby and hobbies don’t have to make sense, don’t have to be perfect and that’s pretty much it.
toodles
Can’t believe I said that but hey I am trying new things so what the hell right.
🙂
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Sharing a secret
So I was thinking to upload something on my blog and I can’t seem to find the right post and even though I have lots of things written down already, I have no idea what to upload. While deciding, I came upon something which is very private to me and I want to upload it. It’s private in the sense that I have not talked about it with anyone , not even myself. I just ended up writing whatever I felt in that moment. I really do want to post it as I think sharing this would help me some way. I have no idea how it will help me but before sharing anything else that I have written I want to go with this. I’m kinda nervous and scared at the same time as I feel very vulnerable sharing this. This is something very close to my heart and I learned an important life lesson from it(I hope it will probably be my last life lesson which broke me this bad).I mean I don’t mind the lessons I just wish that the life didn’t have to be this cruel to teach me these life lessons. I won’t be any good if I’m dead or in an asylum so I hope from now on it won’t be this harsh. Fingers crossed.
Even though not many people are going to read this I still feel naked(emotionally).Even in general I’m scared of putting myself out there but I am debating real hard about what should I do regarding this because when I wrote this I was at very vulnerable place. This was before starting my medication and therapy and I was just a big hot pile of mess.
It already has been more than three months, I think, since I have posted and if I am being honest I also thought about quitting my blog too. I honestly have no idea or motivation of any kind as to why should I continue to write and why should I share what I write. But since I want to get better I am going to continue my blog and not give up because if I give up now then I just might go back right where I started and I don’t want that to happen because I have worked very hard to get out of the situation. Healing is a long process and I am fully committed to do so. Not gonna give up.
Again the topic which I intend to share is very delicate so I’m worried as twice because I don’t want to share it in the first place but then to share that topic is even more scary. I don’t have another word for it other than the fact that I’m terrified. As I was having second thoughts so I talked to my aunt about it and she said that I should do it. My therapist also thinks that I should do it. I also think that I should do it. I think it would help me one way or another. I don’t know why I’m scared. I don’t know what I am scared of but I’m scared.
The reason I want to share a very delicate topic is because I want to put myself out there and when I wrote this topic I was very susceptible. I was in an extremely bad place. I was defeated. I wanted to end myself. I have wanted to kill myself before but around that time I was so close to killing myself that one day I actually got up and took out my blade and started cutting myself on my arm. First I was going to cut my wrists but I had enough will to cut my inner arm and not my wrists. So it’s safe to say that my mental health, my emotional state, my physical health none of these were good. I was just at the rock bottom of the rock bottoms. ‘
Maybe because it’s such a delicate topic(at least for me it is) that’s why I’m scared more but I want to put myself out there so that I can get better at opening up. I wrote this topic almost more than a year ago because writing was the only way for me to get it all out. I still remember that it was night time and just like all the other nights I was not able to sleep. It was around 3 am and eyes were wide open and I couldn’t stop crying. I just kept on crying and I had no idea why was I crying. I didn’t know how to stop it but I wanted it to stop. So I got up looked for paper and pen and started writing. After writing everything, I felt so relieved and I was also in a bit of a shock of what I wrote because I had no idea that is how I felt. It was like a completely different person wrote it because I never thought I would depend on someone so much. Following is what I wrote that night.
I feel numb. My brain is working as usual but my body is refusing to sleep. I want to sleep but then I don’t want to.I don’t know. What did I do so wrong to deserve this? To be treated like this? I am pretty sure that I did everything that I could, I did even more than that and still I got nothing not a single f****** thing. He doesn’t care at all. He could care less about me, my feelings, my depression, my problem, my happiness doesn’t matter at all.
How did this happen? He was supposed to love me, understand me, care for me, make me feel good about myself, help me rebuild myself but he broke whatever I had left in me. He didn’t care at all, not even once. I am pretty much sure that I don’t deserve this, not like this. I am not a thing he can just use for his convenience and then forget about me until he needs me again. How he can treat me like this after everything. I told him everything. I shared everything with him. Wasn’t he supposed to protect me? Wasn’t he supposed to take away all the pain, all the hurt, all the suffering? Why is he causing me so much pain? Why is he making me suffer? Why is he ignoring me this much? What did I do to be ignored by him? I was supposed to be a priority and now I’m not even in the list. I did told him how broken I was and he did say he would take care of me so then why is he doing this? Why can’t he talk to me? All I need is five minutes from his whole entire day but he can’t do this and then expects for everything to be fine. Nothing is fine.
I am not fine. I am bleeding from my heart or whatever is left of it and he still doesn’t care. He still can’t talk to me. He can’t take care of me. Does he even need me in his life? I honestly am wondering what I am in his life. What place do I have? Do I even have a place? Why is he making me go numb again?
Why do I have to kill my emotions again? Why do I have to do it because of him? Why is he causing me so much pain? Why can’t he understand me especially when I told him everything there is to tell? Is it too much to ask?
Why do I have to be dead inside in order to survive this? Why can’t I be normal? Why couldn’t he keep his promise of making everything normal? Was I not supposed to trust him? Why did I trust him so much? Why couldn’t I see through his lies? Why is it my fault even after doing everything right?
Should I have not helped him? Should I have left him? Why he wanted me to be normal when I had told him I am not and that he should look for someone else. Why he wanted me to be normal? He said he will be there for me so why isn’t he here at the worst of the worst time of my life? I need him the most but he is nowhere to be found. Why is he not here with me? Why can’t he tell me that everything will be OK. Why can’t he support me at my worst? Why did he leave me alone? I don’t think I deserve to be deserted, to be left alone, to fight on my own. I am tired. I really am. I can’t fight anymore so why is he not here to fight on my place, to fight for me?
I honestly don’t know what the h*** did I do so wrong to be treated like this? Why does he not think of me? Does it mean nothing to him? I am going mad trying to figure out what went wrong. How or why did this had to happen? Why I have to still fight? I am tired of it all. I have nothing left. I am just utterly and completely done.
It’s my fault for thinking everything and maybe that’s why I deserve to be treated the way he treated me but I think it’s time to handle everything by myself again even if I don’t want to or even if I’m tired. I have to take the reins in my hands because I don’t have to be good, smart, in one piece or anything like that I will be what I feel even if I don’t feel anything. I am in billion and trillion of pieces but I will still be me.
I will choose what I want to do. I will choose what I feel and I think I feel confident after such a f****** long time, 8 years to be precise and even if I am in trillion of pieces; I’m going to be fine and nobody’s going to have the responsibility of my happiness but me.
Just because I am broken doesn’t mean I can’t live, feel or be happy. I can do all of these things and I will, especially without his help. He left me alone and now I am responsible for myself and I don’t like the person I am right now. I don’t like to be miserable, be at someone’s mercy or be needy. I never ever thought that I would be this low in my life and believe me I have had a life time of being low having nothing and in those times all I had was God on my side and all the strength which he blessed me with and even then I never felt what I am feeling now. I am at his misery but why am I like this? Where is my dignity and my respect which I used to have for myself? Why have I fallen so low that I can’t get back up without his help? Why do I need his help? Why is it that I need his approval to be ok? Why or how I became so dependent on him? I was a strong girl who got out of so much in her life on her own so why do I need him to make everything ok? I don’t feel like human. I feel nothing but a dark pit inside me and I keep asking myself why hasn’t he made everything ok? Why has he broken me further to a point where I have nothing? Why is everything black? I don’t see any light. All I can see is the sweet release of death. Why can’t I see through it and why do I need him to make me see through it? I don’t know why was I so dependent on him. I don’t know why I thought he would be the one to take away everything horrible that I have. I just don’t understand how or why I was thinking to have a fairytale ending. Fairytales are not real and maybe they are but if I want a fairytale ending then I will work for it. I won’t be needing him to do so. I will do that on my own.
I don’t want to cry anymore. I’m done with crying, feeling s***** and all that now. I will depend on myself and even if I am too tired to continue, I will continue the way I can. My happiness depends on me and not on anyone else so I will do this for myself and you should too.
I never thought I would be taking back the helms but here we are. I kinda don’t want to but I will be beyond repair if I didn’t take control back in my hands. Honestly I don’t think I can be repaired but hey here is to the hope so I am taking back the charge of my life and I have no f****** idea what to do. Man this sucks. But I’m going to take it easy and take one step at a time. I’m not going to overwhelm myself and from now on I am going to be kind and nice to myself as I would be to another human being. I am going to give myself importance and care for myself and then just take it from there.
One step at a time and the most important thing is to be myself doesn’t matter good or weird. I mean I still have questions like was I not good enough? Why does it have to be me? Why do I have to go through this? But yeah whatever I know for sure that I’m not going to feel miserable any longer. I may be tired of everything but man I am fed up with being miserable so yeah I’m done and I am responsible for myself now so let’s see what happens.
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Born for this…
I absolutely have no idea how this band, The Score, has not gone global. They are just remarkable and their songs are absolutely filled up with positive energy and motivation. The band has been around since 2011 and they are just perfect.
All of their songs are so good and they have so much meaning and they give so much encouragement. Whenever I listen to their songs I wanna get out of my bed and do something. I get so much motivation and energy from their songs that it’s unbelievable. I never thought that it would be possible for me to feel that much motivation after Eminem’s songs but man they have so many high-quality songs and I just don’t know how they are not globally recognized like they need to be on the radio 24/7 so that anybody who is feeling down, feeling low or feeling not motivated can boost up.
I can guarantee you that you will feel so good after listening to their songs that you will wanna do anything you feel. I mean sometimes I feel like I can do anything, anything is possible for me. You will feel like that you can do anything you want to and that’s how good their songs are. I mean at least to me they are and I just love their music, their lyrics, their compositions everything. I love the message that they have to give.
So enough about the band I mean I do want to rant a little bit more about the fact that why they are not so big yet but yeah let’s come back to the song.
Today I want to recommend the song Born for this by The Score.
This was the 1st song that I heard from the band and I immediately fell in love with the tunes, with the vibe that it had and the lyrics are just pure genius.
The song I’m referring to today is Born for this and all I can say is that it is an absolute gem and a masterpiece. It has such a powerful vibe and the lyrics just speak so much volume. I want to put all the lyrics here but instead I will share the lyric video as well.
Now for the song, well what can I say the lyrics, the composition, execution everything is just perfect for the song. I love it when “we were born for this” comes as it gives me a fighting spirit and the phrase which says “we are the Warriors who learnt to love the pain” it just hits all the right cords and make me wanna stand up again and fight. It makes me feel alive.
I feel validated when it says that we learned to love the pain as I feel that somewhere in my life I have learned to do this. I have learned how to love the pain, how to be OK with the pain, how to be not bothered by the pain so it just relates with me.
I absolutely love it and it gives me such a rush and it gives me so much support especially in this time when I am struggling with depression alongside other things, so it means a lot to me.
When I think of the fact that I am loving the pain or I am OK with the pain then I would be like it’s not true. It’s not possible and all of this is in my head but whenever I hear this song and whenever I hear the lyric that we are the soldiers who learned to love the pain it is just so true for me. It really is and I cannot emphasize on the fact how much it means to me and how much I feel unburdened when I hear these lyrics. It means that I have not totally lost it yet and there is hope for me.
A long time ago I used to tell myself that I’m a warrior and it doesn’t matter how hard the fight is I am going to keep fighting. It doesn’t matter if I win or lose all I have to do is fight and during the fight I learned to love that pain and now having this song is just I cannot explain in words what it is but it’s just amazing simply amazing and validating.
It’s just amazing the power this song has. The song gives me adrenaline boost and makes me so energetic.
After listening to this song it feels like anything is possible for me. I feel I can get better, have a better life and I simply get the hope which is nowhere near me otherwise. I stop thinking about giving up. It helps me stop having those weird, horrific thoughts and it puts me in such a good place that I feel like I am the person which I used to be. I can again become the person who was ready to fight, who was in it and who was ready to face whatever it was.
Nowadays I’m just like yeah whatever. I don’t want to face anything, do anything like that or have any kind of responsibility but when I listen to this song it brings back that part of me back even if it’s for a short while it does come back and again I cannot explain in words how happy and how motivated I feel when I listen to this song.
We are born for this, so remember this and march on because we all are Warriors here and we all have to fight our own fights so there is nothing wrong with it and it doesn’t matter how long your fights are because some of us have to fight only few but some of us have to keep on fighting so even if you’re fighting for a long time it’s OK don’t worry, there are so many of us out there and just remember that the most important thing is to keep on marching, don’t stop and keep on going. That’s it
About Me
A lot of things happened in my life and nobody was there to help me.I slowly felt like withering away and after keeping everything inside me I finally chose to speak about how I feel so i just wanna be able to help anyone that I can with whatever I can as I never talked about my feelings or emotions so I wanna say VERBALIZE YOUR FEELINGS. . Don’t try to keep things inside, you let them all out.
my meloncholy 