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what to do
I am very anxious right now. I have to do something. I wish that I didn’t have to do it but I have to do it. I know that and I also know I will be able to do it. It’s just that for me to having to go through it, is making me miserable.
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Hiding
So before we get into this I would like to say that I absolutely hate it when things get updated. why ? Why would you do that it’s working just fine, I just learned it, why would you update it again. no I don’t want a new feature, I am happy with what I got and that’s because I can operate it. I wish I could yell this to the updating team everywhere, I mean I just spent five minutes trying to get to my this site. I have two, the first one is not launched and I made that one when I first thought of writing back in 2019, I guess I must have done something cause when I signed up again with WordPress it remembered me and now I have two of the blog and somehow how that one is my primary site well not somehow I did made that one first so yeah and I have no idea what to do with the other one I mean I am barely keeping up with this one. But man I hate it when any of the softwares get updated. I still have a lot of new things to learn from this one.
Aaaaahhhhhh but enough with my rant and the following I wrote on when I was still in between my mental break down. I have had it in the drafts since early August of 2023 but here it goes…..
I hid myself for 20years From myself from my family from the person I love the most which is my sister and I didn’t show them the real me because I wanted to focus on them and not myself. I pushed my emotions away always and that drove me to a point where I have to go to therapy now and I have depression, anxiety. I’m getting the medicine for bipolar so yeah that’s there and then I can’t believe that it took me 20 years to realize that I am not actually being myself so now I have decided to do things, say things the way I want to, the way I like them. I won’t think about anybody else but myself. I think I’m going to be selfish now because it’s been a while and I think it’s right time because otherwise the option that I have left is not good for me because if I compromise some more or if I do the adjustments one more time or if I do Anything like that then I think my mental health will definitely be unstable for longer than it actually has to be so Now I just am going to do say, think, speak, eat whatever I want and I’m going to be me it doesn’t matter how stupid, irritating, annoying, bold, weird, outgoing or introverted or smart, childish I will be. I am going to be myself and and I’m not going to hide myself anymore. Yes I am selfish, ruthless arrogant. I have ego and I am not a nice person. I will not talk to you nicely if you’re not talking nice to me. I will be a bitch. I will be all whatever I need to be to survive, to not just survive but live I have been surviving until now but now I want to live and in order to do that I need to do things the way I actually want, I want to say things as they are and not be afraid of myself anymore.
I have a dark side which is shattered and twisted but it’s time for me to accept that. I am broken. I have been for a long time and I’m probably going to be like that for the rest of my life and I have made my peace with that. I just want to live even if I’m broken, even then I want to live because the energy it takes to make myself up again and then to hold myself together and then face situations or just my own mind is just too much. I’d rather use that energy to do something good, to do something useful rather than wasting it on myself because every time something happens I get shattered into billion trillion pieces then why the h*** should I keep building myself again if I’m just going to be fallen again so it’s better to stay broken and to do something better with than to just waste my energy. I mean you would think that I would get used to being hurt and broken but nope, doesn’t work that way at least not with me. I mean it’s not that I am not strong or anything like that it’s just I get hurt easily. I never realized how sensitive I am until now when I have completely fallen apart and I have nothing left even the little things bother me , I mean I don’t have any patience left. I just wanna kill the person who is talking or kill myself. Nothing in between. So instead of putting back myself I will use that energy to make myself happy. Even if I am broke that doesn’t mean that I can’t be happy, I can’t have peace in my life. It’s in my life so yeah I’m not going to hide and I would suggest anybody who is feeling the same way, feeling that they are in a shell that they need to come out it’s not easy ,it’s never easy. These things when we see them in movies or in dramas they are totally different from what life actually is, what hiding your side can actually do to you, how it is self harming. Just don’t beat yourself and treat yourself. The most important thing you can do for yourself is to be kind to yourself. This is the most important thing, you need to be kind to yourself, give yourself time and just realize that that the persona you have created is not real but the person inside that persona is real so even if it takes time, even if it hurts just take it slow but come out of that shell and start living.
Life will still suck, there will be problems and all that but you will be stronger somehow. You will have peace even among all the s*** all the h*** that you will be going through you will be better. You will have a strength which will come from I don’t know where because it came to me so it will come to you from that place I guess but just try to be who you are even if people say you are selfish, arrogant or f******* too nice, too good. It doesn’t matter, whatever just be who you are because if you are not proud to be who you are then how can you expect someone else to be proud of you or like you the way you are. I’m not going to say just stop hiding no it’s not that easy and it will not happen in an instant. It will take time and courage and strength and every piece of energy that you have and it’s OK take your time, dig deeper and see who you are and then make peace with it and then just be happy. It’s a very simple process when we think about it but hard to get it done but it’s worth it. I have no expectations from life. I don’t think it will never not suck. I expect it but then you get stronger and you’re happy and you’re able to do things ,you are able to see things in a different perspective which is very important so don’t hide and come to a resolve with yourself first and then see how your behaviour needs to be edited or filtered according to the society because we do live in a society and we need to live by live by certain set of morals and sometimes you’re not actually the person who wants to live by those morals so that’s why you need to filter that part of yourself but first you need to know who you are as a person, come to an understanding with it.
I guess what I am trying to say is that tame your beast, but I don’t believe it because you can never tame a beast. You will always lock it up in a cage and you will never open that cage which is not helpful to you or the beast. It’s going to be there making its presence known so don’t put your beast in a cage instead come to an understanding with your beast. I’m not saying go to the devil and all that I don’t believe in that thing what I want to say is that whatever evil you have inside you, whatever darkness you feel there is or whatever bad things you think you can do, come to an agreement with it, acknowledge that I am capable of doing things but just because I can, doesn’t mean I should. That’s how you can come to an agreement with your beast because if you put something in a cage that’s not taming, its just suppressing a part of yourself. Now lions are always in the cage right and even if they have been caged forever we don’t keep them outside the lock because we know it can go wild anytime so the same thing is with our beast that we can only cage it and be afraid of it but if we set that beast free and make an agreement , comes to terms with it then we can cohabitate. Cohabitation is really something that something that we should be able to do and it will help you to grow more, to learn more, to gain a whole new perspective in your life so you don’t need to hide yourself even if you have a dark side or a soft side or whatever side it is just come to terms with it yourself, you have to do-it-yourself and then people will follow.
As I am proof reading this, I am kinda getting a little bit embarrassed. I have no idea what I was feeling then. It is a blank memory for me but I guess those were the feelings. Some of it still is true as I still am looking after myself first then catering to other’s needs. Not gonna lie it was weird and liberating at the same time. It was a good change, a much needed change. I still think I can be a little bit more bold as I am not confronting some of the issues still but in time I will get there. I am just happy with the progress I have. While re reading this, I got upset. I still am upset but I am watching JJK on my other tab, its been helpful but Toji just killed Gojo and Rika Chan. Now I am thinking that I should watch Horimiya because that one is light and cozy because if you have seen it then you know what’s coming in JJK. But no matter what I am going to complete this today and publish it. When I publish something it makes me feel real good and I feel like I am being productive. I am half way through it so shouldn’t be that bad. I should be able to get it done.
I also wanna mention that there are a lot of line, words are written which don’t make sense now and also some lines are not complete so trying to remember what I meant, what I was trying to say is a hassle and kind of energy draining too and it obviously effects my current mood cause I read this, I have a lot of unexplained feelings and I have no idea how to process them but thats why I am watching anime, it helps. But at the end of the day I still need to remember that healing is neither easy nor fast. It’s one step at a time and a lot of setbacks but as long as I am moving forward it will be fine. All I gotta do is move forward and remember that I didn’t f*** myself up in months so I can’t be better in months. Time and Kindness is needed and I should never forget it. I am not 100% comfortable with posting this cause some of it made me real uncomfortable and I did delete some it but here i am posting it anyway and I am proud of myself for that. yayyyyyy
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See no more
So today is 16th August, around 12 am, for some reason I am not able to sleep. I have no idea why, maybe I overslept the last night. I don’t think it’s true but it works. I was trying to go to sleep and out of nowhere like I have no idea how or why but I just remembered a song. Well not exactly the song as its just video that I remember but its a memory through which I remember the song. There was a time when I was listening to music continuously, it was 24/7 because you know there was a lot happening and music was the only escape that was helping me with everything. It helped me process my emotions and kept them bottled up and I just remembered that Joe Jonas had come up with the song and I couldn’t remember what the song was but all I remember is that it was a good song and just like today I wasn’t able to sleep that night and something had happened. I remember now what it was. I mean I had blocked it out but when I remember the song I remembered why I was up at that time. I don’t know why I’m up today but that night I remember why I was up and God I listened to this song on repeat for the whole night and I’m not even exaggerating. I’m not even kidding, I actually listened to that song on repeat. I remember it was a website because he was coming up with the new album and Jonas brother had broken up at that time and they were doing their solo things and I still don’t remember what the album’s name was and I haven’t looked it up yet but I went to YouTube and I said Joe Jonas songs and then I looked through his songs and then there it was “see no more” and it just made me feel happy and now I’m listening to it and I realize that it has been 10 years since this song has been out and it’s been 10 years of me you know handling s***. I can’t believe that it’s been so long, the time span is just sinking in, I am just realizing that a whole f***ing decde of shitstorms and what not. I’m not handling s*** now like I used to. I’m just breaking up slowly and I can’t do it anymore. I’m all out of energy, out of not even energy I think I’m out of the will, I don’t have the will, I may have energy or maybe I have something that makes me keep going on but I just don’t have the will like I just want everything to stop. How great that would be, nothing to think about, nothing to worry about, everything is just gone.
Yeah so, listening to the song made me so happy. I was so happy because it’s something that I remembered from my life because I don’t remember much as it’s all in bits and pieces and most of the time when I try to track it or when I try to think about it, it’s just blank, nothing pops up, like I can’t find anything and the only thing I have is music. I have so many songs and when I listen to them now a lot of feeling again unexplained feeling take over me. I have listened to so many great songs, many great lyrics which helped me through my pain, my anger, my embarrassment, my helplessness, through my everything. I basically had song for almost every emotion I had. I would listen to it and it would keep me calm. It would keep me centred. It would keep me focused which was very important at that time. Music does not help me the way it used to but I’m just glad that I’m getting back to it. I’m getting back to listening to it because it’s been a while, it’s been actually sometime now that I can’t enjoy music. It’s not that I don’t want to listen to, it just doesn’t sound the same. It doesn’t matter if I am listening to the same old songs or the new ones, it’s not the same. They are just words and tunes which are just noise. Music has become a noise to me. How shameful, how stupid and how sad is that. Music used to feed my soul and now it can’t even reach to my ears. I get annoyed with it, there is no peace, no happiness or calmness in it. Its just noise to me. What a bad fucking realization. How does that even happen. I honestly don’t get it that how the hell did this happened. Man its annoying but true. I don’t have anything right now like I don’t know what happens but it’s like when I broke down, everything within me just left me but remembering this song today made me happy and even though I have a very bad memory attached to it I’m still happy that I remembered something.
Not to make it sound serious it’s not like I don’t remember anything, I have some memories but most of them are lost in a dark sea and and remembering them is like fishing. I may find something, I may not find anything at all. I do have my triggers and music is one of them. A whole lot of songs are associated with my feelings, the good and the bad ones. I mean again we don’t remember everything and in our lives anyway, right and I am old too so I guess it’s okay not to remember everything but you know I just wish that I could remember better. I won’t remember the moments of my happiness because I have had a very tough childhood, a gritty upbringing with some awesome and wholesome moments. I have those good memories, those happy memories so I want to remember those ones more. I want to focus on those but sadly I can’t remember and I can’t even pick my bad ones either as they just come rushing to me. I have nothing but you know what it’s going to get better, it’s going to be okay. I tried to give up my medication I didn’t take any medication for 2 to 3 months, it didn’t work. I was crying all the time. I was everywhere, my mind and soul where scattered. I wasn’t focused, wasn’t centred and I just kept thinking and kept wandering into that Sea Of Darkness that I have.
So, sadly I had to start my medication again. I don’t want to be on medication because well I just don’t want to be the person who relies on a pill to have a good life and also I’m not a medicine person like if I have fever or cold, I’ll just rest and then get back up and I’m like fine. I cannot tell you how many problems like physical ailments that I have just worked through. I have just worked through it and I want to work through this as well but sadly I can’t and I hate, oh I hate it so much but I need the medication and I don’t like saying this but I do so I’m back on my medication and medicine does make you emotionally numb to certain point so I guess that’s what I have now because I don’t have the happiness, I don’t have to sadness, I don’t have anything, I am just numb to everything even the to the beauty of nature, the beauty of music but this moment like right now as I am typing this I’m happy because I remembered this song. I remembered the feelings, I remembered being up and I remember that night, yeah that was quite a night to say the least and ironically enough the lyrics not all of them but some were on point and at that time I was too upset to notice then but today I remember that how much it fits with that scenario. As of this moment I don’t want to live but I don’t want to kill myself either so you know all in all that’s good. It’s going good and if you haven’t heard this song See No More by Joe Jonas listen to it, it’s a good song, video, lyrics and you can see here Joe being an artist, a musician so yep that’s that.
As I am proof reading this one, I realized I have so many broken and uncompleted lines. Its a headache to understand what I was trying to express. I guess I still am not good with expressing myself but I am trying so that’s something. Oh and also never have I ever realized that I use ‘you know’ and ‘like’ words a lot. yawooozzzaaaa but oh well.
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Some days
I just heard this song “some days” by Brent Morgan on Instagram reel and I fell in love with this song. This song speak the words which I always feel and want to say but I always come short with the words. I struggle with words when I have to verbalize my feelings. I can write them though . Each and every line of this song is meaningful and relatable. I do wanna give up some days, some days I do wonder what if I had an ordinary life, there are days when breathing is a job for me and then some days I just want everything to be over. There are few days where I am not feeling like a complete trash, so this song is a lot closer to me. I hope whoever listens to this, finds a certain kind of peace like I did.
Enjoy 🙂
P.S -I have been thinking to share the songs which I like but I have been putting it off because I have some kind of phobia when it comes to sharing but I am sharing this song because I have to. And hopefully I will be able to share my music too alongside my emotions.
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I don’t wanna do it…
I haven’t done anything on my blog for a while now. I keep thinking about it and I wanna do it but it’s just that when I have to do it, something inside me is stopping me and not letting me do it. I don’t know what it is. I know I’ve never done something like this and it’s just scary. I also get this thought that I shouldn’t do blogging as there is no point to it but then I didn’t start because there was a point. I mean I do wanna be able to help anyone that I can but I need to start with myself. I wanted to share and I wanted to do something about me, about my thinking so that I can get better.
I have my laptop right in front of me, it’s just right there waiting for me to open it but I’m not opening it. What I’m doing instead is I’m wasting my time. I even did some house chores and I did waste my time on Instagram, facebook, YouTube. I’m doing everything else other than what I actually need to do. I don’t wanna share anything and I wanna scream at the top of my lungs whenever I think of posting something on my blog and it’s awfully tough. I never thought it would be this complicated.
I have a new found respect for people who can share things like wow, it’s just wow that you can. You just share whatever is inside you. How do you do that? I don’t know how people do that but I always found it fascinating and I always thought that you know when it will be needed I will be able do it so it’s not a big deal but now I need to share myself and I’m scared out of my frigging mind. I don’t want to do it. I have been putting away my blog for many days now.
I knew it would be challenging because as a person who has never done any sharing or anything similar, it’s meant to be difficult. I thought that with time I would be able to overcome this but it’s not as I thought it would be. It’s more challenging than I thought. It’s like I have to completely ignore myself in order to post. I have to go against everything I have when I want to share. I have no words for it. I don’t know how to explain it, it’s just so hard and it’s not supposed to be this hard and I have so many things that I want to put out, the things I wanna share but I’m just so frightened and I’m just so scared. I feel like there’s someone inside me somehow dies every time I think of posting on my blog.
I don’t know what happens but something happens and I’m not able to do it and it’s so annoying because it’s not like I completely don’t want to do it. I want to do it then the majority of the time I don’t what to do it. It’s scary and infuriating. I don’t get scared that easily either. I have been through a lot of s*** and if I can get through that then this should be a piece of cake but surprisingly this is hard.
Who would have thought of this happening, I never thought that I would be scared of my laptop. I actually don’t want to open it. I don’t want to go onto my site and update it and I have so many ideas. I mean I think about them and I have written them down. I have so much stuff written and again I just don’t want to do it. I don’t know what to do. I have even talked to my therapist about it. She said that I’m just avoiding it as I have never shared before and it has become a part of my personality and having to share is something that goes against the very foundation of me. What I am doing is I am trying to break from my shell which has become a part me and I am trying to break the mould which I created for myself.
Well I already knew the avoiding part. I am avoiding it because what if I can’t say what I want to say clearly. The fact that I will let someone in, the fact that people will know about me is scary. It truly scares me. I also am afraid about the fact that what if I am not able to explain myself better, what if I can’t get across my true feelings and everything becomes tangled. I don’t know how it will be received, how it will affect me, my mentality and my personality. I am afraid to put myself out there. I don’t know how to do it properly. I mean I am not bad at communicating but my sister says I suck but I think I listen well and speak where I need to but the problem is I don’t communicate when I have to talk about myself. Even now I would do anything right now but post. If I get a choice between posting something or doing something that I hate, I would most certainly do the hating chore but I would not post and it doesn’t make any sense.
I feel like I will not be the same person if I open up. For so long I have kept everything to myself, every thought, every feeling, every emotion, every sensation, every idea, all of it was just inside me. I never let anybody knew anything. I always maintained the face. I never felt the need to share and I always thought that I can handle it. I do these things and I keep everything inside, that’s who I am. Whatever it is whatever that I’m feeling or thinking or going through is meant to be inside me, nothing is supposed to go outside.
As I have kept everything to myself, it’s very crammed on the inside now and everything is so heavy. By sharing I need to make space or I would go bonkers. It’s safe to say that if I won’t share I would explode.
I just don’t know, I don’t know man but you know what, I’m not gonna give up. I’m going to give myself time(however long that may be) and I’m gonna give myself confidence and I’m going to be nice to myself. I’m going to be kind to myself and I’m going to be very patient with myself as what I want to do will not happen overnight. I will simply keep my eyes on the goal which is sharing. I just need to remember that sharing is not bad and it actually helps. I need to focus on the fact why I started my blog and it is because I wanna share my thoughts, my emotions, my opinions, my perception about life, about whatever I feel, about whatever I have inside me and I am not going to give up just because I’m scared. I am gonna keep on doing it and I will keep on writing and then just make a way where everything is OK for me and I am able to share. Possibly without being scared but I don’t think that will happen anytime soon but yeah I’m gonna keep on going, find my strength and then hopefully post whatever it is that I wanna post on my blog. It’s a simple thing. I don’t want to give up just because I’m scared. I wanna keep posting even if it’s once a month or whenever it may be.
Sharing may be easy for some people but it’s really challenging for some. I need to share as I always urge everyone else to share because I am well aware of the fact that by sharing, every burden becomes lighter and there is no shame in it either.
Sharing is Caring I know that I have never done something like this before so obviously it’s going to take time and I will not rush. It may take more time than I expect and it’s OK. It should be fine and with time I am going to post each and everything that I have written and hopefully I will not be scared of my blog.
Mind you I am on a diet as I am trying to lose some of the weight which I gained by just sitting around and binge eating and stress eating. Even now I am stress eating because I have promised myself to post this today because I have been putting it off for almost more than two weeks now.
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About Me
I have been thinking to start my blog since 2019 as I knew I needed to share and finally I have done it. This is my outlet. I am doing this in order to get better. I need to share as I have never shared my thoughts, emotions, feelings with anyone. I have been on my own ever since I can remember (emotionally, mentally) and I am really not good at expressing myself. Probably that’s why I keep putting it off and I don’t write or post anything on my blog but I’m gonna do it even if it is tough for me, So here I am sharing and hoping that anyone who reads my blog finds it helpful in some way. I will be writing about my life, experiences, feelings and thoughts as writing is the only way for me to express my feelings in a better way.
I am an ambivert who is suicidal, have depression and BPD with anxiety. I don’t find anything exciting or anything worth living for even though I have a good life but it doesn’t matter how bad it gets, I’m not gonna give up. This is the one simple thing that I’m gonna do. It doesn’t matter how much I hate myself or everything else, it doesn’t matter how hollow I am, I’m gonna keep on going and I’m gonna make myself OK again and I’m gonna be a person who is thankful to have a life. I wanna live, be happy, enjoy things. I want to feel other things than hopelessness, pain, grief and sadness. I want to be at a point in my life where I’m not sad, not grieving and not burning inside and I’m just OK.
I made the mistake to keep everything inside me and I have a lot of emotional damage and even today I am not able to verbalize my feelings or my emotions in a better way.
Keeping everything in your head is exhausting and it gets terrifying and you will be burned out. It doesn’t matter how great you feel right now but there will be a point in your life when you will regret doing this. So verbalize and express yourself in a healthy way as NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR MENTAL HEALTH.
If you want to write to me you can, I might be able to help you out or I can hear you out and be there for you as I also want to create a safe space for sharing. I have awfully hard time when it comes to sharing but I am trying to break that habit and you should try too.
PS: Remember to be kind and respectful to yourself.
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how the time goes by…
What a great and magnificent thing we have. Time is timeless, boundless and it never stops. It will never stop for anyone as it never has. It’s amazing how much power time holds. Time can build and destroy civilizations, countries, empires and still keep on moving at its own pace and no one can hold time. It will keep on going with or without us as humans are very helpless against it. It will not stop for anything or anyone and I think that’s what makes it special because once it’s gone you can’t have it back again ever. It is a dreadful thing if you really think about it as the moment which has passed will never come back to you. It’s not that you will run out of it, you will have many similar moments but it won’t be the same situations, surroundings and reasons. All will change and so will you.
The best thing about time is that it is there and then it’s not. You can live to be 80 years old and make so many memories and live. The second scenario is not good. It is when you run out of time and so much life gets left behind and you will never know what could have been. You will be gone and you will not know anything about anything and that’s why it’s important to take advantage of time while you can because you never know when you will run out of it. Nothing is set in stone as you are here this moment and you can be gone in the next so make time useful.
Now I won’t say live like there is no tomorrow. I actually hate that saying because if there is no tomorrow then it would mean I don’t have to pay rent, do my job, get groceries, pay the bills, spend time with the family (who always picks on me) so no I can’t live like there is no tomorrow because there will be a tomorrow in which I will have to cook something and I have buckets and buckets of laundry and many more chores. But what I can do is live my life with the balance. I do things which I enjoy from time to time. I give time to myself and I relax and I don’t worry about the future as present is the only certainty I have and I should not ruin it by thinking what will happen next. I have lived my whole life thinking about the future and never enjoyed the present and man I was so wrong, things kept happening and I kept thinking. I was not nice to myself and never gave myself a chance to enjoy the little things. Now I am burned out and when I look back I regret the fact that I didn’t enjoy those moments as they could have been perfect if only I had stayed in the present and not thought about the future; it would have been awesome.
So don’t make the mistake I made and try to enjoy the present time even if it’s full of s*** because time changes and you change with it. It is very hard to live in the present. I mean it is for me. Even now sometimes I start thinking about the future and the past and worry about things then I have to remind myself not to do that. I keep reminding myself to stay in the present. It is a hard thing to do but not impossible. When you start thinking about future then start reminding yourself about the present. Think about the things you can do better now, changes you can make now and not in the future.
You need to learn to be flexible if you want time to treat you good. Time is only good if you are changing with it, flowing according to its flow, walking with it at its pace then it will be very generous. If you’re not changing with time, you become stale and time is not kind to staleness. If you won’t learn from it, change yourself accordingly then it will become very hard to live and time will never stop and if you stop moving it will leave you behind and keep on moving without you, leaving you behind and it will be very tough for you to catch up with it.
I got stuck in a moment for 8 years. I couldn’t move on from there and I am still stuck there but I have made some progress thanks to the therapy. While I was stuck in that moment everything changed around me, situations, people, time everything changed and I just stayed in that moment, not moving, not learning and ignoring everything time had to teach me. I aged. My surroundings changed whether I wanted them to change or not, people around me grew older, wiser and they experienced life and I was just stuck in that moment. When I realized that I am stuck I felt like I have awoken from a very long sleep. In my sleep I was functional as I was doing a job and doing house chores and all that but most of my eight years are in bits and pieces. I don’t remember much of it and I certainly was not living. I was just functional. Doing what was needed and that’s it. Just doing things because they needed to be done and there was nothing more to it. I didn’t experience anything. I didn’t want anything. I didn’t want to do anything I just wanted to cease to exist. I wanted everything to stop as I had stopped and I just wanted everything to end as I waited for my end. It was a very dark time for me as I have faced a lot of problems and fair share of troubles but this is the one which damaged me the most. It took everything from me and I just wanted, well as I have said, cease to exist.
Now I am trying to catch up, makeup for the lost time and the best thing I am doing is that I’m being kinder to myself. I’m not cursing myself or punishing myself or degrading myself for losing 8 years of my life. Instead I’m taking my time with it and slowly learning to love myself and forgive myself. Not gonna lie in the starting I was very hard on myself after waking from 8 years of sleep. I was belittling myself, questioning myself, blaming myself among other things and everything got mixed up and became too much and that’s when I knew I needed help and I got help. I think going to therapy is the best thing I have ever done for myself as I am able to see myself clearer. Those 8 years took away my personality, my self confidence and self respect. Nothing was to be found and the image I had of mine became very foggy. Now I have decided that I will not be the old me as I have learned a lot and it’s time to be who I am now, not what I used to be.
I lost a lot of time and if I waste more time thinking about it then that’s not good. The best thing to do now is to start walking with the time and then try to match its speed. I also need to balance out the time I have lost by doing the things I have always wanted to do.
Remember to be kind to yourself and if you have made any mistake in the past please know that according to that time and situation you did those things but the time and the situations have changed in the present, the knowledge you have now is different from the knowledge you had in the past so be kind to yourself, be nice to yourself and forgive yourself. Again these things are not easy. I mean nothing is easy in life and it is not fair to anyone. We have to make it work so just remember that Yes time once lost cannot be regained but you shouldn’t waste the time you have now thinking about the past because past cannot be changed and neither can the future but you can live in your present and be happy and enjoy the little things that you can.
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Importance of Balance
Well balance is balance. There is no other word to describe it then itself. But why is it important and why should we have this in our life? What is the importance of it in our life? Do we need balance only to keep track of our money or is there something more to it? How do we manage our wishes and wants?
Some people don’t even acknowledge its existence or it’s importance in life but from where I stand I think after perspective, balance is the most needed asset in life. If you really think about it where would you be if there is no balance in life. How would you stop doing something or how would you know what is in excess or is less? I am not talking about money but the very base of our life EMOTIONS. If we can balance out our emotions then we can have a balanced life. I know it sounds dull or maybe even structured but hear me out. Emotions run us, everything we do or say or see is based on how we are feeling and if we can balance our love, hate, anger, sadness, fear, happiness, shame, admiration, grief, pride, pain then life becomes a beautiful place to live. Just imagine having enough control over our emotions that it doesn’t become a bane but a boon instead.
Balance is needed in every step of life. We don’t only need it for money or for house-work life but we also need it for the peace of mind. There are some people who miss work-life balance as well. They are either working too much and not giving time to themselves or not working at all and are just doing nothing. Both scenarios are wrong. We need to work, have goals in our life and work towards them but we also need to realize that work is not the only thing in our life. We need time for ourselves. We need to relax, rejuvenate, renew, refresh and restore. Similarly, if we do not work at all then what are we doing with our life. So we need to have a balance and enjoy every aspect of life. Doing something in excess or doing nothing at all makes life tedious. We need to have balance towards everything. We need to balance our personality, expectations of parents, siblings, even our eating habits, our behavior towards everyone, our money and our emotions. There is so much more which needs balancing but these are the things I could come up with for the moment. If we don’t balance things out then life gets out of hand and life is already hard to live. The question is how we balance everything out because if we are doing the one thing then the other gets behind. Well that’s the beauty of life that you can make up for the lost things if you try.
Now I didn’t have a perfect childhood. There are so many things which were missing from it so now whenever I have a chance I do the things I always wanted to do even if they are childlike. It’s not that I become a child but just do the things I couldn’t do before or afford. I bathe in the rain because if I get sick I can afford medication without having to worry about money. I couldn’t afford fancy pencil boxes so now when I see one I buy one. I am trying to balance it out. I get told that it is stupid and utterly childish to do these things but my answer to them is I can do it and I will do it. Me dancing in the rain, eating candies, buying stickers and pencil boxes doesn’t hurt anyone and these things give me happiness so why shouldn’t I do what I can do to make myself happy and balance out the things I missed back then.
So if you have missed things in your life, try to do them in present and don’t think what people will think. If you are too good of a person then you are you not giving someone to talk about something, so do your part and let them talk about you from time to time. I wanted to get a tattoo since I was 16 but I always thought what will people say and of course there was lack of money too. I never got a tattoo and now I have 3 and I’m thinking about the 5th one as the 4th one is already has been decided. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me every time I see the tattoos. It was my wish which got completed later in life but I am satisfied with the fact that I have friggin tattoos. I have always wished for a doll playhouse as I watched it in Television and in shops and I would always think how would it be like to play with it so now I am going to buy a big playhouse and I guess I’ll play with it. If I’m not gonna play with it I’ll just keep it and I’ll look at it and be happy about the fact that I have it.
You need a little bit of courage and wish to balance because life will never be fair, you have to make it fair and in the same way so many things will get left behind in the race of life but you just need to remember these things and complete them whenever you have time because if you won’t balance things out you will have regret that I should have done this or that in your old age. Old age should be spent with peace and not in regret. So whatever it is which you could not do, see or buy because the time and situations were not right make them right in the present and live your life like you want to. It is hard but believe me it is better than the regret. I have always wanted to dye my hair and soon I will be doing that too so just like me you can live and do the things you want to and then be happy about the fact that at least you got a chance to do these things and you have no regrets.
So don’t get bound by the society’s rule or your own emotions. I know it’s much easier said than done, especially when we have to live with our emotions and live within the society. It’s hard and I get that because when I’m trying to do things I think of what will people say and what will they think of me? What will they talk about and things like these but the point is that it’s my life and me getting a tattoo or a hair dye isn’t hurting someone. It is not doing anyone any harm but it’s just to make myself happy. I should be allowed to live my life the way I want to as long as I’m not hurting anyone and I’m not doing anything appalling. It should be fine so try to have the courage, to have the resolve and just live your life so that you can have a peaceful and meaningful old age without having regrets. I mean it’s not that you won’t have any kind of regret but still take out the pieces you still can and balance out your wishes and wants.
About Me
A lot of things happened in my life and nobody was there to help me.I slowly felt like withering away and after keeping everything inside me I finally chose to speak about how I feel so i just wanna be able to help anyone that I can with whatever I can as I never talked about my feelings or emotions so I wanna say VERBALIZE YOUR FEELINGS. . Don’t try to keep things inside, you let them all out.
my meloncholy 