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what to do
I am very anxious right now. I have to do something. I wish that I didn’t have to do it but I have to do it. I know that and I also know I will be able to do it. It’s just that for me to having to go through it, is making me miserable.
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Hiding
So before we get into this I would like to say that I absolutely hate it when things get updated. why ? Why would you do that it’s working just fine, I just learned it, why would you update it again. no I don’t want a new feature, I am happy with what I got and that’s because I can operate it. I wish I could yell this to the updating team everywhere, I mean I just spent five minutes trying to get to my this site. I have two, the first one is not launched and I made that one when I first thought of writing back in 2019, I guess I must have done something cause when I signed up again with WordPress it remembered me and now I have two of the blog and somehow how that one is my primary site well not somehow I did made that one first so yeah and I have no idea what to do with the other one I mean I am barely keeping up with this one. But man I hate it when any of the softwares get updated. I still have a lot of new things to learn from this one.
Aaaaahhhhhh but enough with my rant and the following I wrote on when I was still in between my mental break down. I have had it in the drafts since early August of 2023 but here it goes…..
I hid myself for 20years From myself from my family from the person I love the most which is my sister and I didn’t show them the real me because I wanted to focus on them and not myself. I pushed my emotions away always and that drove me to a point where I have to go to therapy now and I have depression, anxiety. I’m getting the medicine for bipolar so yeah that’s there and then I can’t believe that it took me 20 years to realize that I am not actually being myself so now I have decided to do things, say things the way I want to, the way I like them. I won’t think about anybody else but myself. I think I’m going to be selfish now because it’s been a while and I think it’s right time because otherwise the option that I have left is not good for me because if I compromise some more or if I do the adjustments one more time or if I do Anything like that then I think my mental health will definitely be unstable for longer than it actually has to be so Now I just am going to do say, think, speak, eat whatever I want and I’m going to be me it doesn’t matter how stupid, irritating, annoying, bold, weird, outgoing or introverted or smart, childish I will be. I am going to be myself and and I’m not going to hide myself anymore. Yes I am selfish, ruthless arrogant. I have ego and I am not a nice person. I will not talk to you nicely if you’re not talking nice to me. I will be a bitch. I will be all whatever I need to be to survive, to not just survive but live I have been surviving until now but now I want to live and in order to do that I need to do things the way I actually want, I want to say things as they are and not be afraid of myself anymore.
I have a dark side which is shattered and twisted but it’s time for me to accept that. I am broken. I have been for a long time and I’m probably going to be like that for the rest of my life and I have made my peace with that. I just want to live even if I’m broken, even then I want to live because the energy it takes to make myself up again and then to hold myself together and then face situations or just my own mind is just too much. I’d rather use that energy to do something good, to do something useful rather than wasting it on myself because every time something happens I get shattered into billion trillion pieces then why the h*** should I keep building myself again if I’m just going to be fallen again so it’s better to stay broken and to do something better with than to just waste my energy. I mean you would think that I would get used to being hurt and broken but nope, doesn’t work that way at least not with me. I mean it’s not that I am not strong or anything like that it’s just I get hurt easily. I never realized how sensitive I am until now when I have completely fallen apart and I have nothing left even the little things bother me , I mean I don’t have any patience left. I just wanna kill the person who is talking or kill myself. Nothing in between. So instead of putting back myself I will use that energy to make myself happy. Even if I am broke that doesn’t mean that I can’t be happy, I can’t have peace in my life. It’s in my life so yeah I’m not going to hide and I would suggest anybody who is feeling the same way, feeling that they are in a shell that they need to come out it’s not easy ,it’s never easy. These things when we see them in movies or in dramas they are totally different from what life actually is, what hiding your side can actually do to you, how it is self harming. Just don’t beat yourself and treat yourself. The most important thing you can do for yourself is to be kind to yourself. This is the most important thing, you need to be kind to yourself, give yourself time and just realize that that the persona you have created is not real but the person inside that persona is real so even if it takes time, even if it hurts just take it slow but come out of that shell and start living.
Life will still suck, there will be problems and all that but you will be stronger somehow. You will have peace even among all the s*** all the h*** that you will be going through you will be better. You will have a strength which will come from I don’t know where because it came to me so it will come to you from that place I guess but just try to be who you are even if people say you are selfish, arrogant or f******* too nice, too good. It doesn’t matter, whatever just be who you are because if you are not proud to be who you are then how can you expect someone else to be proud of you or like you the way you are. I’m not going to say just stop hiding no it’s not that easy and it will not happen in an instant. It will take time and courage and strength and every piece of energy that you have and it’s OK take your time, dig deeper and see who you are and then make peace with it and then just be happy. It’s a very simple process when we think about it but hard to get it done but it’s worth it. I have no expectations from life. I don’t think it will never not suck. I expect it but then you get stronger and you’re happy and you’re able to do things ,you are able to see things in a different perspective which is very important so don’t hide and come to a resolve with yourself first and then see how your behaviour needs to be edited or filtered according to the society because we do live in a society and we need to live by live by certain set of morals and sometimes you’re not actually the person who wants to live by those morals so that’s why you need to filter that part of yourself but first you need to know who you are as a person, come to an understanding with it.
I guess what I am trying to say is that tame your beast, but I don’t believe it because you can never tame a beast. You will always lock it up in a cage and you will never open that cage which is not helpful to you or the beast. It’s going to be there making its presence known so don’t put your beast in a cage instead come to an understanding with your beast. I’m not saying go to the devil and all that I don’t believe in that thing what I want to say is that whatever evil you have inside you, whatever darkness you feel there is or whatever bad things you think you can do, come to an agreement with it, acknowledge that I am capable of doing things but just because I can, doesn’t mean I should. That’s how you can come to an agreement with your beast because if you put something in a cage that’s not taming, its just suppressing a part of yourself. Now lions are always in the cage right and even if they have been caged forever we don’t keep them outside the lock because we know it can go wild anytime so the same thing is with our beast that we can only cage it and be afraid of it but if we set that beast free and make an agreement , comes to terms with it then we can cohabitate. Cohabitation is really something that something that we should be able to do and it will help you to grow more, to learn more, to gain a whole new perspective in your life so you don’t need to hide yourself even if you have a dark side or a soft side or whatever side it is just come to terms with it yourself, you have to do-it-yourself and then people will follow.
As I am proof reading this, I am kinda getting a little bit embarrassed. I have no idea what I was feeling then. It is a blank memory for me but I guess those were the feelings. Some of it still is true as I still am looking after myself first then catering to other’s needs. Not gonna lie it was weird and liberating at the same time. It was a good change, a much needed change. I still think I can be a little bit more bold as I am not confronting some of the issues still but in time I will get there. I am just happy with the progress I have. While re reading this, I got upset. I still am upset but I am watching JJK on my other tab, its been helpful but Toji just killed Gojo and Rika Chan. Now I am thinking that I should watch Horimiya because that one is light and cozy because if you have seen it then you know what’s coming in JJK. But no matter what I am going to complete this today and publish it. When I publish something it makes me feel real good and I feel like I am being productive. I am half way through it so shouldn’t be that bad. I should be able to get it done.
I also wanna mention that there are a lot of line, words are written which don’t make sense now and also some lines are not complete so trying to remember what I meant, what I was trying to say is a hassle and kind of energy draining too and it obviously effects my current mood cause I read this, I have a lot of unexplained feelings and I have no idea how to process them but thats why I am watching anime, it helps. But at the end of the day I still need to remember that healing is neither easy nor fast. It’s one step at a time and a lot of setbacks but as long as I am moving forward it will be fine. All I gotta do is move forward and remember that I didn’t f*** myself up in months so I can’t be better in months. Time and Kindness is needed and I should never forget it. I am not 100% comfortable with posting this cause some of it made me real uncomfortable and I did delete some it but here i am posting it anyway and I am proud of myself for that. yayyyyyy
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See no more
So today is 16th August, around 12 am, for some reason I am not able to sleep. I have no idea why, maybe I overslept the last night. I don’t think it’s true but it works. I was trying to go to sleep and out of nowhere like I have no idea how or why but I just remembered a song. Well not exactly the song as its just video that I remember but its a memory through which I remember the song. There was a time when I was listening to music continuously, it was 24/7 because you know there was a lot happening and music was the only escape that was helping me with everything. It helped me process my emotions and kept them bottled up and I just remembered that Joe Jonas had come up with the song and I couldn’t remember what the song was but all I remember is that it was a good song and just like today I wasn’t able to sleep that night and something had happened. I remember now what it was. I mean I had blocked it out but when I remember the song I remembered why I was up at that time. I don’t know why I’m up today but that night I remember why I was up and God I listened to this song on repeat for the whole night and I’m not even exaggerating. I’m not even kidding, I actually listened to that song on repeat. I remember it was a website because he was coming up with the new album and Jonas brother had broken up at that time and they were doing their solo things and I still don’t remember what the album’s name was and I haven’t looked it up yet but I went to YouTube and I said Joe Jonas songs and then I looked through his songs and then there it was “see no more” and it just made me feel happy and now I’m listening to it and I realize that it has been 10 years since this song has been out and it’s been 10 years of me you know handling s***. I can’t believe that it’s been so long, the time span is just sinking in, I am just realizing that a whole f***ing decde of shitstorms and what not. I’m not handling s*** now like I used to. I’m just breaking up slowly and I can’t do it anymore. I’m all out of energy, out of not even energy I think I’m out of the will, I don’t have the will, I may have energy or maybe I have something that makes me keep going on but I just don’t have the will like I just want everything to stop. How great that would be, nothing to think about, nothing to worry about, everything is just gone.
Yeah so, listening to the song made me so happy. I was so happy because it’s something that I remembered from my life because I don’t remember much as it’s all in bits and pieces and most of the time when I try to track it or when I try to think about it, it’s just blank, nothing pops up, like I can’t find anything and the only thing I have is music. I have so many songs and when I listen to them now a lot of feeling again unexplained feeling take over me. I have listened to so many great songs, many great lyrics which helped me through my pain, my anger, my embarrassment, my helplessness, through my everything. I basically had song for almost every emotion I had. I would listen to it and it would keep me calm. It would keep me centred. It would keep me focused which was very important at that time. Music does not help me the way it used to but I’m just glad that I’m getting back to it. I’m getting back to listening to it because it’s been a while, it’s been actually sometime now that I can’t enjoy music. It’s not that I don’t want to listen to, it just doesn’t sound the same. It doesn’t matter if I am listening to the same old songs or the new ones, it’s not the same. They are just words and tunes which are just noise. Music has become a noise to me. How shameful, how stupid and how sad is that. Music used to feed my soul and now it can’t even reach to my ears. I get annoyed with it, there is no peace, no happiness or calmness in it. Its just noise to me. What a bad fucking realization. How does that even happen. I honestly don’t get it that how the hell did this happened. Man its annoying but true. I don’t have anything right now like I don’t know what happens but it’s like when I broke down, everything within me just left me but remembering this song today made me happy and even though I have a very bad memory attached to it I’m still happy that I remembered something.
Not to make it sound serious it’s not like I don’t remember anything, I have some memories but most of them are lost in a dark sea and and remembering them is like fishing. I may find something, I may not find anything at all. I do have my triggers and music is one of them. A whole lot of songs are associated with my feelings, the good and the bad ones. I mean again we don’t remember everything and in our lives anyway, right and I am old too so I guess it’s okay not to remember everything but you know I just wish that I could remember better. I won’t remember the moments of my happiness because I have had a very tough childhood, a gritty upbringing with some awesome and wholesome moments. I have those good memories, those happy memories so I want to remember those ones more. I want to focus on those but sadly I can’t remember and I can’t even pick my bad ones either as they just come rushing to me. I have nothing but you know what it’s going to get better, it’s going to be okay. I tried to give up my medication I didn’t take any medication for 2 to 3 months, it didn’t work. I was crying all the time. I was everywhere, my mind and soul where scattered. I wasn’t focused, wasn’t centred and I just kept thinking and kept wandering into that Sea Of Darkness that I have.
So, sadly I had to start my medication again. I don’t want to be on medication because well I just don’t want to be the person who relies on a pill to have a good life and also I’m not a medicine person like if I have fever or cold, I’ll just rest and then get back up and I’m like fine. I cannot tell you how many problems like physical ailments that I have just worked through. I have just worked through it and I want to work through this as well but sadly I can’t and I hate, oh I hate it so much but I need the medication and I don’t like saying this but I do so I’m back on my medication and medicine does make you emotionally numb to certain point so I guess that’s what I have now because I don’t have the happiness, I don’t have to sadness, I don’t have anything, I am just numb to everything even the to the beauty of nature, the beauty of music but this moment like right now as I am typing this I’m happy because I remembered this song. I remembered the feelings, I remembered being up and I remember that night, yeah that was quite a night to say the least and ironically enough the lyrics not all of them but some were on point and at that time I was too upset to notice then but today I remember that how much it fits with that scenario. As of this moment I don’t want to live but I don’t want to kill myself either so you know all in all that’s good. It’s going good and if you haven’t heard this song See No More by Joe Jonas listen to it, it’s a good song, video, lyrics and you can see here Joe being an artist, a musician so yep that’s that.
As I am proof reading this one, I realized I have so many broken and uncompleted lines. Its a headache to understand what I was trying to express. I guess I still am not good with expressing myself but I am trying so that’s something. Oh and also never have I ever realized that I use ‘you know’ and ‘like’ words a lot. yawooozzzaaaa but oh well.
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Having different Perspective or POV
Different people have different perspective and it changes with everyone. One thing can mean so many things to others. By trying to understand it, you get to know what other person is thinking, what are the other possibilities for one same thing. The perspective changes with every person and I think it’s a very powerful thing and in order to socialize or to succeed in the world or just to live in it peacefully we should be able to understand somebody else’s perspective.
Perspective or POV is a very interesting thing as it will change with each individual and you can never approve, oppose or feel included with the same thing. If you think a M is a W then that’s how you are thinking, that’s what your life and your experience has taught you that it’s a M. But from other person’s point of view it will be a W and their life and their experiences and their environment has taught them that it is a W so neither of you are wrong but neither of you are right. That’s the amazing thing about perspective. To me what I think is right and the same thing that I think is right will be wrong for someone else and what is wrong for somebody else, it just might be right for me.
The whole thing about perspective is how we think about things, how we perceive this world and how we identify the things which happen in our lives and what we learn from them, how we distinguish the life lessons which life has to teach us, how we execute the things that we see or fear or believe. I think believe plays a very vital role in perspective because Believe is something very powerful and if you believe in things then you know they happen and if nothing then believe gives you a lot more power and courage to move ahead so believe could be the very driving force behind perspective.
As I have said perspective is an amazing thing because our environment, our life experiences, our choices all of these things teach us perspective and if we are not willing to learn it then life becomes quite hectic well not hectic but it becomes a little bit tough to live because if you’re not willing to open up to somebody else, if you’re not opening up to someone else’s experiences, their exposure then life will be quite monotonic and you will not be able to have different exposures for one same thing.
All I want to say is that when you learn one thing from different perspectives then you get a lot of knowledge as a different experience is embedded in it and that’s why to have somebody else’s perspective is amazing because then you can think like that person and then you can know what that person is thinking or why is that person thinking which will widen your area of thinking, which will give you a broader approach to life. You will be able to handle situations with different approaches because you won’t be just tied down to one thing which is monotonic and you will have this great exposure to so many things that it will make your life colorful.
For example if we are living with our favorite color, it’s not bad but it’s kind of dull and monotonic but if we mix other colors in it and then it can become a rainbow and you can do anything with the rainbow and rainbow can be yours for approaching so the same thing is with perspective. Try to be more open minded, try to learn others point of view, try to see where they’re coming from because that will not only help you on social level but it’ll help you on spiritual level as well because some people are very gifted. They are very spiritual and helpful and their thinking is very unique and if we can meet people like that and then learn from them and see things from their perspective, we just might end up thinking like them; we just might like it better because sometimes what happens is that when you have your own perspective things get dull, they are boring, you don’t like it and the world makes no sense but if you’re watching it from somebody else’s perspective then the world can be a beautiful place and life can be a this beautiful thing that you want to live so that’s why it’s important to be open. It’s important to open yourself to a new experience. So I will suggest that please, please be more open to somebody else’s perspective, be more open to somebody else’s point of view as these things only will enrich you and they will give you wider and broader approach to matters in your life and then you will be able to make decisions with more certainty. Just be a little bit more open.
I’m not saying that you have to agree with whatever the other person is saying. I’m just saying just listen to that person see where they’re coming from and then think for yourself and decide for yourself. Thinking as what if I would be on that person’s place what would I do? how would I approach things? how will I live my life? how would I do certain things and this will widen your mind and your thinking. You will be able to think a lot more than usual and plus you can experience something that is absolutely, absolutely opposite of you and it can be amazing you may like it, you may hate it, there is no guarantee in anything but the thing is that you will know more, you will see things, things in every other color there is to see rather than just one color and I’m not saying that leave your own color, no don’t do that but just have empathy or resolve to be able to listen to someone or I guess just Intuition or something like that just so that you can have a place for every other color in your life so that your life can get colorful and it doesn’t stay monotonic. And perspective is something that can do this for you because you can live your life from different point of view if you want to or you can have your own point of view but still listen to others and just see what they have to say or what they have to do and then make your choices according to it.
So try to see things from others perspective. It will give you a better understanding of the world and yourself and you can even make changes in yourself if you think that there are some things that you need to change then just see yourself from someone else’s POV and then make those changes. I think my life is not that great and I want to end it as I am struggling with mental health issues and when I told my sister that I wanna die she said why? why would you wanna do something like this? you have such a perfect life.you have everything you need, see yourself from my eyes and then you will understand how important you are to me. so hearing these words made me realize that how important perspective is.
Now if someone told me that he or she wants to die then I would sympathize with them and tell them to live on and try to convince them how beautiful life is alongside its hardships and make them see life from a new perspective, so that’s what I am doing for myself. I am seeing my own life from my sisters perspective and it’s bearable enough to live.
So tell yourself your own story and listen to yourself carefully and then treat yourself the way you would treat another person with same problems as you. When we are listening to someone’s story we feel sorry for them, we try to comfort them but if the same things happen to us we don’t do that for ourselves so that’s why we need to have a different perspective of our own life because If I can feel sad for someone else and then try to make them feel comfortable and say nice things and really mean them so why don’t we do that for ourselves. Remember to be nice and kind to yourself. It is equally important.
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EMOTIONS
Emotions, what a spectacular thing we humans have. We can’t see them but boy do we feel them. It’s incredible that all of us have emotions yet we have so many different ways to express them. It’s almost as same as the miracle of life, to give birth as mostly all of the women do it but to each and every one of them it’s a miracle and a unique experience.
The same thing happens with emotions. If you think about it, just how many ways are there to express just one emotion for example your love. To express your love for your partner is in a certain way and if the relationship changes then the way of love changes as well. You love your teacher, brother, wife, father, mother, dog or cat, friend but all of them receive a different form of love from you. It’s not that you don’t love them but still it’s different for everyone.
It is just astonishing the why emotions can change our whole life. When we grow, the emotions also changes and they grow with us. Well for some of us they remain the same. Some of us run out of these whereas most of us are full of them, and I admire the ones who are able to cry, love, get hurt and feel all of these emotions. I feel like I have run out of emotions. It’s not that I don’t have them but I feel like they are on reserve as I seem to have so little of everything. I often find myself struggling with these as its dreadfully rough to go through them and its gets especially hard if you have not process them well and I have made the mistake of not processing them completely. I never faced my emotions and always suppressed them and just pushed them away. As a result of doing this for more than a decade I am low on emotions and everything is messed up, everything is attached with everything and it’s hard to untangled the intertwined emotions.
It gets hard to truly feel one thing at a time. I feel a lot of mixed up things and when I try to separate them all I can find is anger and agony. I feel there is nothing left and there is just emptiness. So don’t make the mistake I did and process your emotions and deal with them because there is no running away from them. At one point you will have to face them and the more time you take the more it will hurt. The healthy way is to just face them and go through them and don’t avoid them.
Hate, anger, sadness, happiness, grief, anxiety, desire, proud etc emotions run us. We do each and everything based on them. Our emotions reflect us in our thinking and in our work, in our day to day life. Emotions make us stronger but they make us foolish too. They get in the way of logic. Logic is something that makes sense and if our emotions get the best of us well then a lot of lives have gone down the drain but I have seen people not regretting their decisions which were based on emotions and not logic and yet they feel content with what they did. They are happy with the fact that they choose emotions and not logic and on the contrary people who live their lives with logic often miss the presence of emotions. They want to be emotional rather than logical.
Even though being logical is better and helps us to choose the right things and do the right things yet I have seen people wanting to be emotional and not logical. Why is that so? Why our emotions mean so much to us? Why our emotions are so important that if we don’t fulfill them we feel dissatisfied, discontent with our lives.
Why are emotions important why do we need them why do they run our lives and why do we can’t live happily without them? What is so special about them that we feel empty without them and life seems to have no meaning? Why are emotions are imperative to our live a good life?
Our life becomes heaven or hell due to what we feel and how we process them. For example if you are hurt over something and you have not taken the time to feel the loss and process the emotions then that is gonna give you hard time cause the harder you try to avoid your feelings or push them away they will come back stronger and soon will become like a web which you won’t be able to get away from and you will have no control over it.
All I can say is that leaving emotions hanging and not dealing with them will only hurt you and your mental health. You won’t be able to mask them as well as you will . You will become mentally weak and the toll it will take on you will remain with you forever as it will scar you as long as you live.
Take care of yourself only then you can care for others…
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Music
Music is the food of the soul
Read that somewhere and I whole heartedly believe in this.
Music is universal.
The reason I am writing about music after life is because this is the most important thing for me in my life. I can’t live without my music. I have to have my music with me as it is not a need but a necessity for me. Who does not love MUSIC? Its music and how can you not love music. I don’t think that our lives would be what they are today without music. I am a big fan of music.
Its life for me at least and it reaches my soul and makes me feel alive. I can listen to any kind of genre as long as I like what I am listening. For me, when it comes to songs the composition matters more than the lyrics. I can listen to a good composition having bad lyrics but not the other way around. The composition has to be good. I absolutely love Beethoven’s fur Elise, I like Chopin’s nocturne op 9 no 2, Eminem’s ROCK BOTTOM, linkin Park’s NUMB . I also listen to BTS, 1D, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, Amrinder gill and Bollywood movie songs among others. there are so many artists whom I listen to and it will take a lot of space to mention them all. I have 1 or 3 Spanish songs in my collection then 2 or 3 Russian and Arabic songs. I love musical instruments but can’t play any of them but love cello, violin, Tabla and flute. I really wanna see Opera just once in my life
Nothing can connect us pull us together like music. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you come from, what you do, which language do you speak Music can keep us together.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to give yourself sometime and go somewhere near the nature and listen to music and just feel the rhythm and compose yourself. Believe me it’s the cheapest therapy ever. The way music can transport you into a new world is otherworldly.
It’s amazing the way music can give us bliss, solace and sooth the ache we may not even be aware about. We can forget about everything while listening to it and immerse in the rhythm. It’s amazing the power music has and the lyrics are just cherry on top. An awesome composition and outstanding lyrics of a song can do is marvelous wonders and save so many of us. I am a firm believer that the words can have forever lasting effect so we should always use them with utmost care and that’s why songs with great lyrics are needed to save some of us and give us peace.
The thing I admire about music is the way it can make you feel. It can take away your insecurities. It can take away the pain, it can take away the feeling that is sinking you or scaring you and can take you to a world that’s not a mess. It’s a perfect getaway. It can take you to a place where you are safe, happy and in control. That’s why it’s good therapy cause listening to music is wonderful while believing in yourself.
Music has healing power and works like a medicine for me. I mean it heals me and so many people feel the same way. It can make you feel things which you don’t even know exist in you. It can take you to a place where everything is fine and is magical. The energy music can give you is outstanding. It can make you feel so good and alive and on the same hand it can send you to spiral down on a memory lane. We all have songs we resonate with our happy times, sad times and even in our furious times. So music is important for me to survive and I will be sharing my music choices with you and will write what it makes me feel and hopefully it will help you the way it helped me. If you want you are more than welcome to leave me suggestions as I am always looking for new music and if I like it I will write about that too.
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LIFE
What is life? What am I even doing with my life? Why is it so hard to live? Why am I hurt? What did I do to deserve this? Why am I in so much pain? Why do I have to bear all this? Why can’t I get a break?
Life is unfair. My parents don’t love me. My boyfriend/girlfriend is not loyal. My friends are selfish. My dreams died. I am alone. I was abandoned by everyone. There is no GOD. If there is GOD then why is there so much suffering. I studied hard but didn’t get the grades I deserve. I work hard at my job but wasn’t given a pay rise. My life is shit and it sucks. Nobody understands me. I have trust issues, daddy issues, mommy issues, mental health issues. All of my friends are doing better than me. I am a hot pile of shit. I have no self esteem and confidence is nowhere near to be found. My crush doesn’t even know I exist. I have no idea how to be a good parent/ wife/friend/human being. I don’t have the success I deserve. My brother/sister likes his/her friends more than me.
I wish I was beautiful. I wish I was smart. I wish I had a good body. I wish I had inner peace. I wish I had someone who could get me, to whom I could talk to. I wish I was famous. I wish people could see my worth. I wish to be a great mom/dad. I wish I was skinny. I wish I was as bold/kind as that person. I wish my husband/wife/children/co-workers/friends/brother/sister would appreciate me more. I wish they would recognize my efforts/sacrifices. I wish I was content. I wish others were content with me. I wish I was enough. I wish I could do something to make my sister/friend/brother/partner happy. I wish I could take away their pain. I wish I was more. I wish I was someone else. I wish I could change myself/my personality.
Above are some of the thoughts that we all have at one point and there are much more feelings compared to these handful thoughts I have written and the rest I just decided not to write.
Some of us think of life as a challenge but for some it’s a blessing, then for some people it’s a curse and they don’t know how to break that curse. Some of us think of life as an adventure and then some are just here to complete the given time. Some of us just want peaceful and meaningful life. Some of us want to be famous then there are some who just want to be happy.
For me, life started as a challenge and I faced everything with strength and courage. I think I did well. Then life became unbearable and breathing became a job. I felt like breathing was so hard and very tiring. I felt my life has become a curse with endless suffering. But one day when I was hurting, I just decided that that’s it. I don’t want to feel like this anymore and I asked myself what I want. What do I need? And the answer was pretty simple I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY.
After realizing that I want to be happy I cried more because it’s a simple feeling but very hard to feel. For a moment it felt like I don’t deserve to be happy but then I told myself that I do. I do deserve to be happy and I will be happy.
SUGGESTION – LIFE IS THE BIGGEST TEACHER IF YOU ARE WILLING TO LEARN.
Since that night I am working towards being happy and not feeling all those things which makes me sink in to a bottomless darkness. I have decided to blog. I will write about everything we go through life, all the feelings, how I dealt with emotions and how the people I know have dealt with them so that whoever reads may find it helpful. I have been stuck in the maze of life for quite a while and I think I know where each and every exit is, I am going towards my exit and I hope I can help you find yours.
About Me
A lot of things happened in my life and nobody was there to help me.I slowly felt like withering away and after keeping everything inside me I finally chose to speak about how I feel so i just wanna be able to help anyone that I can with whatever I can as I never talked about my feelings or emotions so I wanna say VERBALIZE YOUR FEELINGS. . Don’t try to keep things inside, you let them all out.
my meloncholy 